Simple Remedy (J2, BigBang 2010, NC-17)

[painting_walls]

Fic title: Simple Remedy
Author name: painting_walls
Artist name: zanao
Genre: RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Jensen/Danneel
Rating: NC-17
Word count: ~25'000
Warnings/Spoilers: The content of this story is fully fictional, so any therapy or counselling situations in the story might not be similar to those in real life.
Summary: Jensen's marriage hasn't been working in a long time. As his final attempt to save his marriage he agrees to Danneel's wish to see a counselor. To Jensen's surprise, Jared Padalecki isn't the marriage counselor he's expecting to meet. With Jared Jensen finds himself on a journey he never bargained for.

See more awesome art by zanao here.


Part 1

Jensen sat in his car outside a small building. He stared at the brass plate beside the door that indicated that the place he was supposed to show up in three minutes was on the second floor. He wanted nothing more than to slam his foot on the gas and drive off. But then the thought of the look on Danneel's face the night before came to his mind and that alone was enough to keep him in the parking lot.

She had told him the night before that she really didn't know anymore if Jensen even wanted to keep trying. She looked so tired and sad that Jensen hadn't even wanted to start their usual fight about how he felt that she didn't want to work on their marriage either. Instead he had tried to reassure her that they could still make everything work. She had smiled then, not a happy smile, but enough that Jensen had managed to feel a bit better about the whole thing. Later on that evening she had handed him a shiny silver business card and told him she had arranged an appointment for him. ”Go for me Jensen, just this once,” She had pleaded before they had gone to bed.

Taking a deep breath, Jensen finally turned the key and killed the engine. He got out of the car and walked across the sunny parking lot to the front door. The hallway was quiet despite the fact it was midday and there were several small offices on the first floor. The second floor had three doors. On his left he saw an artful sign for massage therapy and by the corner a law firm. His destination wasn't either of those and he braced himself as he turned to the right and faced the heavy wooden door for J.Padalecki – Personal and Couple Therapy.

Jensen pulled the door open anticipating a stuffy room with a couch. Instead there was a small but airy lobby with a pretty girl sitting behind a desk. Jensen took a few steps forward and she turned to him.

”Did you have an appointment?” She asked sweetly.

Jensen dug his hand into his pockets and nodded. ”At 12:15.”

”Name?” She asked as she typed something in the computer.

”Ackles,” Jensen answered, wondering if it would be possible for the floor just open and swallow him whole.

”Mr.Padalecki will be right with you,” The girl told him and pressed an intercom button. ”Your next patient is here,” she said into it.

After just a short uncomfortable moment a tall man walked in the room. He smiled to Jensen and turned to the girl.

”Katie, do you think you can come a little earlier tomorrow? I'd like to go over those appointment changes before first patient,” The guy, Padalecki apparently, asked her.

”Yes. At 8:30?”

”That would be great,” Padalecki said, then turned to Jensen. ”Mr. Ackles?”

”Hi,” Jensen said unsurely.

”I'm Jared Padalecki. Welcome,” Padalecki said holding out his hand.

”Jensen Ackles,” Jensen said taking the offered hand.

Padalecki's handshake was just as firm as the muscles in his forearm suggested and Jensen almost winced as strong fingers wrapped around his hand. Padalecki's whole appearance made Jensen think that he didn't look a bit like some therapist. He had wide shoulders and ever wider smile, and he probably wouldn't have looked out of the place in some billboard ad. He was also very casually dressed in a button down and jeans and he made Jensen feel overdressed in his neatly pressed black trousers.

”This way,” Padalecki said, leading Jensen into the next room, which was apparently his office. Jensen saw another door just inside the office that actually had a small sign on the door that read ”Therapy Room” with colored light buttons on the side to let them know it was free.

Padalecki motioned Jensen to sit on the comfy looking chair by the window as he proceeded to sit in the chair opposite that one. He didn't have a notepad or a pen like Jensen had expected and the whole thing was a bit too surreal.

”I usually like to start by having a few sessions here and after that move to some exercises in the therapy room,” Padalecki explained. ”For this first session we'll look into what your expectations are for this therapy and what you want to achieve.”

Jensen nodded slowly.

”I know already that you didn't book this time for yourself,” Padalecki said leaning casually back in his chair. ”Do you feel like you have been pressured to meet a therapist?”

”No,” Jensen said. ”Well, sort of. Apparently it was this or divorce.”

”Do you have any notion as to why your wife wanted you to meet me today?” Padalecki asked.

”Mr. Padalecki...” Jensen begun.

”Please, call me Jared if it makes you more comfortable,” Padalecki said quickly.

”Jared,” Jensen repeated the name and half expected it to leave a bitter taste in his mouth. ”Isn't the reason I'm coming to you that I don't know what the problem is and have no idea how to fix it?”

Jared just watched him quietly for a moment before continuing. ”Is there anything you feel could be the main issue?”

”I don't know. We just don't see eye to eye lately. And it's been hard fitting our schedules together,” Jensen sighed.

”Do you feel like you have to schedule intimate time with your partner?” Jared spoke softly and Jensen clenched his fists.

”What does that have to do with anything? I don't think intimacy is the main issue here,” Jensen huffed.

”As a sex therapist...” Jared began.

Jensen jumped up. ”As what?”

”Sex therapist,” Jared said. ”I help people to overcome the problems and issues they have with sex and sexuality.”

”That fucking bitch,” Jensen moaned and fell back in the chair, running his fingers through his short hair. He felt his cheeks heat up in embarrassment, how had Danneel had nerve to do this to him. ”She didn't tell me. And you... It just reads therapist on the door. How I was supposed to know?”

Jared smiled sympathetically. ”I didn't want to put it on the sign. I felt like I should be more discreet than that, since many people may feel embarrassed by the fact they see me. I advertise with my full title but didn't feel like it should be on the door.”

”Jesus,” Jensen leaned back in the chair. If he had known this, he would have turned around in the parking lot and never set a foot inside. This was even more humiliating than he had expected it to be, and he barely said a word yet. And God, what had Danneel told him when she had made the appointment?

”We can stop here if you're not comfortable. Or just talk for a while,” Jared said. ”Every single one of my patients is here of their own free will, and I'm not going to pressure you to tell me anything you don't feel comfortable telling me.”

”Maybe I should go,” Jensen glanced at the door. His mind was running overtime around the biggest issue he and Danneel had on the area of Jared's expertise and there was no way he wanted to admit that to a total stranger.

”I should remind you that what is said here, stays here,” Jared said. ”I write down some notes about each session to stay on the map where we are and what we have covered, but if you want to say something fully off the record I won't put it in writing.”

Jensen closed his eyes and thought about what Jared had said. He wondered what it would be to say it aloud and felt like he could really faint if he did. But this could be his best chance in getting help if he could admit that he needed some. He was going to kill Danneel when he got home! What the hell was she thinking when she scheduled him an appointment with a fucking sex expert!

”Would you want to just tell me about yourself a bit?” Jared asked and he sounded so fucking nice it was killing Jensen since he wanted to absolutely hate this guy.

”Like what?” Jensen couldn't keep the defensive tone out of his voice.

”Like how long you've been married? What you do for living?”

”4 years. Own an accounting company.”

”All about short answers today?” Jared said. ”I know that feeling.”

I bet you don't, Jensen thought.

Jared just smiled and continued, ”What's your family like? Do they live near?”

Jensen shrugged. ”Normal I guess. They all live in Texas so I don't see them so often. Mainly during holidays since with my own business, I can't get too much free time during the year.”

”Texas?” Jared's eyebrow rose and Jensen found himself even smiling a bit as Jared seemed really genuinely interested. ”You don't have much of an accent. How long have you lived here?”

”You'd be surprised how many people look down on you if you sound like a country boy. And in my business, I really can't let them think I'm some hick whose math skills come from counting one cow, two cows, many cows.”

”Not really.” Jared's smile went from easy and open to wicked. ”Been there done that, I guess.”

Jensen's mouth dropped open as Jared let his words drag longer. ”You too?”

”Yep.”

Despite the akward start, and after finding that he had something in common with Jared, Jensen could feel himself falling into an almost comfortable pattern of answering Jared's simple questions about his family and life, even if his answers were still mostly short and superficial. By the end of the session Jensen was surprised how easily he had relaxed and how he was feeling more and more comfortable.

When the hour was finally up and Jensen was already by the door ready to get the hell out of there, a horrific thought hit him. At that very moment he knew that if he walked out that door, he didn't think he would ever come back and he would never get to voice the most embarrassing of his problems. And he was slowly coming to the realization that maybe Jared could actually help.

And it was that reason that compelled him to turn around and say ”Icannotstayhard,” in such a rush it could barely be recognisable as actual words. It felt so dizzying his head swam and his heart pounded like he had just run twenty miles. Jared was by his side in an instant, holding him up and pulling him back to the chairs. Jensen felt ridiculous as he sagged on to the chair with Jared by him just to hold him upright.

As Jared finally pulled back and Jensen's head seemed to stop swimming, Jensen felt so flushed and ashamed he couldn't look Jared in the face anymore. He was only 32 and he had just admitted being impotent. Life sucked so fucking majorly that he couldn't even come up with a bad enough word for it.

Jared closed a big hand over Jensen's shoulder and squeezed reassuringly. ”I think you should keep seeing me.”

Jensen could only nod in agreement.



Even though Jensen started to see the importance of therapy after falling apart when he had been leaving, the thought of it still bothered him. He ran some errands trying not to think about everything that had happened in there so far, but it kept popping into his head every other moment.

”Like I'd need it,” Jensen muttered as he slammed the car door shut in the driveway. ”If someone needs it it's her.”

At first it had just felt so wrong, but as he walked to the front door of their house he could feel something new. Anger boiled inside him, dark and hot in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to go and just yell at Danneel for the whole therapy thing, wanted her to feel as awful and humiliated as he did, but he knew it wouldn't solve a thing. The only way he could make this better was to try and make things right. Maybe actually go through with counseling. That thought made Jensen shake his head. He didn't want it – didn't need it – he could get through this on his own.

I'll show her, Jensen thought. I'll show her that I can do it. It's just sex. It shouldn't feel like such a big deal. I can give her what she wants and then everything will be alright.

Jensen sat on the couch and took a deep breath in, holding it in for a moment before letting it slowly out. He could do it, he just needed to relax and it would be as easy as it had been in the beginning. He had just been working so hard and after that first time, he had been too afraid it'd happen again. That was it. There was nothing else, he told himself. He had all the tools to overcome this on his own, without telling anyone else anything more.

He heard steps from the stairs and turned to see Danneel coming down in a fluffy bathrobe. She looked as pretty as ever and Jensen tried to relax himself on just watching her, letting himself concentrate on all the things he loved about her.

”Come here,” he said and took her hand as she sat beside him on the couch. ”You should have told me the truth.”

Danneel looked away for a moment before turning to face him. She smiled hesitantly and laid a hand over his knee.

”Would you have gone if you knew?” She asked.

Jensen brought his hand up and ran his fingers through the soft strands of her hair. He could smell the flowery scent of her perfume and closed his eyes.

”No.”

”How was it?”

”I don't really want to talk about it,” Jensen said and brought his hand to her neck.

He pulled her gently in for a kiss and worked her bathrobe open just enough to slip his hand inside. He touched her side, feeling the softness of her skin. Her hands tugged his tie loose and he shrugged his suit jacket off his shoulders before pulling her on his lap. Danneel straddled him and he smiled against her lips as he felt her shift on his lap, rubbing deliciously over his cock. He could feel himself getting hard and felt victorious.

”Want to go upstairs?” he whispered.

He held her hand as he led her upstairs. In the bedroom, he let her strip off his shirt, then pull of his shoes and socks before unbuttoning and unzipping his pants, letting them drop to the floor. They kissed again as they fell down on the bed and Jensen tugged her bathrobe off.

”You're so beautiful,” he said to her as he kissed down her neck, listening to the soft gasps she made as he found her nipple and slid his mouth over it while gently cupping her breast. She arched her back and he slid one arm under her pulling her to his chest. They rolled over and she pulled his boxers down dropping them on the floor. Jensen kissed her and pulled her close pressing open-mouthed kisses on her neck shoulders. His cock was hard against the silky skin of her bottom and he rocked his hips to get some friction before bringing his hand between her thighs and opening her with his fingers. She was warm and moist and he could imagine how good it would be to spread her open on the bed and push inside.

It's been so long, he thought and that seemed to be enough trigger. His heart beat quickened as she raised herself on her knees and moved to give him more space to touch her.

”Jensen,” Danneel breathed out as he thumbed her clit. ”Want you.”

He withdrew his fingers and held her still by her hips. He could hear blood rushing in his own veins and his heart hammered against his ribs. Suddenly it was hard to breath, like someone was holding his head under water, and the familiar fear set deep into his bones. He knew that if he could calm down now, he might be able to do it, but the feeling he had was slowly turning into panic and there was nothing he could do to stop it happening. He would just fail on it like he always did and she'd go and find someone else who could do it. That's how it was and always would be. He closed his eyes and tried to just concentrate on the moment, but it was becoming too hard to do anything about his panic. Danneel hadn't noticed yet and Jensen felt her lean down to kiss him.

He pushed her on her back and settled between her thighs pressing kisses on her breasts and stomach before going lower. He stroked his palms over her thighs and bent down to put his mouth on her. He could feel his cock – only half hard now – pressing against the sheets and he didn't know what do to. He knew that usually if he lost his erection too early, he wouldn't be getting hard again until he could fully relax and calm down, but that wasn't likely to happen with Danneel there, waiting for him to just get hard and be able to slide in her. And he knew that thinking about it made it worse but how he could not? He could taste how ready Danneel was for him and he was such a loser. He couldn't push the thoughts out of his head and prayed that Danneel wouldn't notice even if he knew that he wasn't going to be that lucky.

She made delicious little noises as he lapped on her and fucked her slowly with his fingers. He wanted to be able just to concentrate on her but his mind kept racing. His concentration kept moving to his pathetic dick, which pressed limply against the sheet. He felt Danneel's hands on his shoulders, trying to coax him up. He took her hand and stroked his thumb over her palm.

”Please, just let me,” Jensen choked out.

He could feel Danneel's nails digging into his shoulder, but at least she didn't tell him to stop. He closed his eyes as he brought her off with his tongue and fingers and held back tears that burned behind his eyelids.

After Danneel came Jensen couldn't get himself even to look at her. He just sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands, quiet and miserable, and didn't look up when Danneel left the room quickly after that. He could hear the shower running and for a moment he wanted to go after her, but he knew it wouldn't change anything. He had stood behind that door so many times begging for her to just to talk to him and he just couldn't do it anymore. His thoughts wandered on that first time this had happened. They had sat together then, Danneel stroking gently on his back and reassuring that it happened to everyone. It had been tax season and he had been working long hours and had been exhausted. He had felt ashamed then, but now it was a hundred times worse. Maybe then it had just been that he was too tired, but now, the fear of not being able to perform properly had grown into something more dark and frightening, and he couldn't beat it on his own. He really needed help.



The second time Jensen met Jared they just talked sitting on the comfy chairs in Jared's office. This time Jensen had spent only a few minutes in his car trying to get enough courage to go inside.

”I'd recommend that you see your GP for a general health check if you haven't had one done lately. Even though it's something you don't want to do, I think you should bring the problem to their attention and see if there is a physical reason for it. There are a couple of simple things like high blood pressure or even magnesium deficiency can cause such problems,” Jared explained and Jensen just nodded. ”But even if they find a medical reason, I'd suggest that you continue with our sessions a couple times a week. Sometimes, what has started as a physical problem, can turn into a psychological one when it has been there for a awhile.”

”Yeah.”

Other than that Jared didn't really mention what Jensen had revealed the first time they had met and Jensen felt pretty good about Jared knowing it. At least he wouldn't have to go through the humiliation of saying it again.

”This time I thought that you could tell me about yourself. And maybe describe your relationship to your wife if you're comfortable enough to do it.”

”Okay.”

”You know there is a slight chance that you might need to use more than one word at time,” Jared smiled and made Jensen's mouth twitch a little.

”Are you comfortable if we start with how many partners you have had?” Jared asked. ”Or you can just tell me something in general about yourself first.”

”Like how many I've dated or how many I've had sex with?” Jensen asked.

”Either,” Jared told him, taking a more comfortable position in his chair. Jensen leaned back a bit too and wondered if Jared made a conscious decision to appear as relaxed as he could to get the patient that he was talking to to also relax. Like dealing with animals or small children.

”I had dated a few girls in high school, but there was only one that I went all the way with,” Jensen paused. ”Then I dated a couple people in college but I didn't date all of them long enough to do much. I was kinda painfully shy still in college and never went through a phase of casual sex or anything. And I met Danneel in my senior year so I've only been with her since.”

”And you've always been with girls?” Jared asked, sounding casual and relaxed.

Jensen stopped to look at him, but maybe this was something Jared had to ask. It wasn't like people had gay or bi written all over them. ”Yeah.”

”And that's your preference?”

”Yes,” Jensen bit his lip. ”Maybe in like my teenage years I wondered about guys too, but I think everyone does.”

”They do. And the ones that say they haven't wondered, usually like to deny it or have done it so briefly that they haven't even noticed. It's perfectly natural, especially for teenagers.”

Jared smiled brightly before continuing and Jensen had to smile back. The guy was just so easy to like and his good mood seemed to be infectious. Jensen thought maybe this was the reason Jared had gotten into counselling. Even though he hadn't been seeing Jared for very long, he could see how easy it was to relax in Jared's company. To Jensen’s surprise it felt like he could actually open up. It had to be something that was natural, since Jensen didn't think it could be taught.

”Were you comfortable advancing your relationship to sex when you thought that it was time?”

”You mean did I ever feel pressured into it or something?” Jensen waited for Jared to nod. ”No, I don't think so. With one of my college girlfriends we moved pretty fast but I think it was mostly because we had been friends for a while before, so I already knew her.”

”How would you describe your relationship with sex?”

That made Jensen laugh because it sounded too ridiculous. ”I used to think it was awesome but now, I don't know. I think we might have broken up and even if I try to buy all the flowers and candy in the world we're not going to get together anymore.”

”How did the change happen, gradually or suddenly?”

”I think that like all couples who've been together for a long time, we sort of seemed to lose that passion we had in the beginning, and then the little things that we wanted done differently started to be more of a problem. But the thing that's wrong with me, I think it happened fast. It felt like, one day I was able to do it, then next time I was too tired and couldn’t function. After that I was just really afraid it was going to happen again.”

”That's really common,” Jared noted in a perfectly matter-of-fact tone.

”Lately, I haven't really wanted to give it a try and she hasn't asked. But I don't even know if she wants to. And I feel like she's fully given up on me.”

”How's that?”

”She cheats,” Jensen looked away from Jared and toyed with his wedding ring, turning it round and round on his finger. ”But maybe it's something I've earned. I can't keep her satisfied and so she'll find someone who can.”

”Do you think that's fair?”

”Maybe.” Jensen picked on the invisible lint on his shirt sleeve.

”Many people wouldn't think so.”

”Well. They aren't me, are they?” Jensen felt suddenly angry and his answer had more bite into it than he intended.

”When did that first occur?” Jared asked passing Jensen's outburst like it hadn't happened at all.

”The cheating?” Jensen finally asked.

”Yes.”

”Year after we got together,” Jensen said. ”But then it seemed like some mistake that anyone could make, so I forgave her. The next time was after my problem started.”

”Does it anger you?”

”It used to. But I don't know. I feel like I've driven her into it and I don't have any say in the matter. My friend keeps telling me that I should walk out on her, but I just, I just don't know,” Jensen ended feeling stupid and lame.



It wasn't till their third session that Jared introduced Jensen into the more experimental therapy he had been trying out lately. When Jensen had arrived Jared had led him into his office and then into the therapy room attached to it.

”Most of the exercises I use have been used for years, but some are newer. There are a few exercises that renowned researchers in the field have gotten amazing results with, even if they're not yet widely used,” Jared had explained to Jensen at the end of the second therapy session. He had also presented Jensen with a release form to sign allowing Jared to use the newer exercises too.

”Everything I do is 100% percent safe. And if I see you're not comfortable with something, we can work around it. And at any point you feel uncomfortable with something, just let me know and we'll stop,” Jared had told Jensen.

”For the first session in the therapy room, I just want you to get comfortable with the surroundings as we do some general exercises,” Jared said before he opened the door. ”Most of the time the exercises are for couples to do on each other, but I have a few exercises I've found to be useful even if done alone. And further into therapy we can go through some exercises you could try to do at home with your wife.”

Jensen took in the large room with controversial feelings. There was a couch by the wall, a small desk and then, in the middle, a large bed.

Jared led Jensen to the couch and they sat there. Jensen felt more tense than he had been last time as he waited for Jared to start the usual routine with all the questions.

”I usually do things in a different order but I think you'll get better results if we start the exercise therapy now and try to find the reason for your issue on the way rather than talk until we know the main problem,” Jared explained.

”Okay...” Jensen didn't quite know what Jared meant, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to know either.

”Did you get a chance to see your physician?” Jared asked leaning casually back on the couch.

”Yeah,” Jensen said. ”Apparently I'm the perfect picture of health. And I got the results for blood work yesterday and that looked good too.”

”That's really good,” Jared said and set his hand over Jensen's arm as Jensen looked away. ”I know that you'd feel more relieved had they found a physical reason for your issue and given you something for it, but now that we know there's nothing wrong physically we can help you here.”

”I guess,” Jensen mumbled and pulled his arm from under Jared's hand. The touch was gentle in a way that Jensen hadn't had with anyone for a while. It made him slightly uncomfortable to feel the warmth of Jared's large palm over his bare forearm, but he couldn't pin point why. Maybe it was just because Jared wasn't really close to him nor had he any real reason to be touching Jensen.

”So today is about your erogenous points. I'll ask a few questions and then we'll do couple of exercises. First, what do you consider to be the most erogenous zones on your body?”

”Aside the obvious?” Jensen asked raising his eyebrows.

You tell me. What do you consider obvious?”

”Cock.”

”It isn't always just that simple,” Jared said. ”It's true that your penis is the place where you do have the most nerve-endings, but sometimes it's not the place that should be the main focus. Can you name any other places you feel are sensitive to touch in an erotic way?”

Jensen sighed. ”Nipples maybe, or my neck.”

”Which part of your neck? Could you show me?” Jared looked interested. He leaned forward and followed Jensen's fingers with intent.

Jensen traced his fingers along the side of his neck and then rested the pads of them against the point along his throat where he could feel the rapid thumbing of his quickened pulse. ”Here?”

”Good,” Jared said. ”Now we'll do something I like to call zone mapping. Trace the tips of your fingers on your skin and when you reach a point that is sensitive to touch give me a number from 1 to 5 according to how sensitive it is. One being just generally sensitive and five being really arousing. You can close your eyes for this if you'd like.”

”Do I like...” Jensen looked at Jared feeling confused. ”Undress or something?”

”No,” Jared said quicker than Jensen really thought necessary. ”We're just concentrating on your face for now to get the feel of the exercise”

Jensen brought his fingers to his cheeks and grimaced. ”This feels utterly stupid.”

Jared smiled. ”It can be weird at first. Try closing your eyes.”

Jensen closed his eyes and touched his cheekbones, moving up around his eyes and then to his hairline. ”One,” He said and then ran his fingers along his eyebrows. He tried to focus solely on the touch, but his concentration kept breaking up and he found himself listening to the sound of Jared's breathing. He touched his closed eyelids as softly as he could, ”two.” and then his nose. Jared's breathing was regular and soothing and he wanted to open his eyes to see how close the therapist was. He touched his lips gently and breathed out through his mouth. His lips felt dry and he had to moisten them with his tongue. ”Three,” He breathed out as the tip of his forefinger slid now easily across his wet lowerlip. He felt his body warm up and could sense how arousal set low in his belly.

”Four.”

Jensen felt himself almost shaking as he felt closer to getting hard as he had in weeks. He let his fingers run once more across his lips and then down his neck leaning his head back a bit leaving his throat exposed to Jared's gaze which felt like a physical touch on his skin despite the fact he couldn't even see Jared watching him.

”Four and half.”

He was throbbing in his trousers now, not fully hard but definitely thicker and heavier than just a moment ago. And all just from touching his face while his goddamn therapist, of all people, watched him intently. He had to open his eyes and as his eyes met Jared's he bit his lip trying not to react too wholeheartedly on the other man's closeness. Jensen found it oddly interesting that he had gotten aroused when all he was doing was just touching his face and yet he couldn't even get hard enough to have actual intercourse with his own wife.

Jared's mouth curved into a small smile and he nodded. ”You did really good there, Jensen. You really understood the meaning of the exercise. Does it surprise you that any place you find sensitive can be erogenous?”

Jensen felt his heart hammering in his chest. He breathed in slowly, trying to will himself to relax a bit. Jared stayed quiet and just watched him, clearly giving him space to come down from the exercise before giving him an answer.

Finally, Jensen licked his lips and swallowed thickly. ”I guess.”

”And was the reaction what you expected?”

”No,” Jensen breathed out. Jared had to know that. How could he not see Jensen's arousal when Jensen had to fight so hard to keep his voice even and calm.

”That's really something that most of my patients come across during some of the simple exercises. There are so many areas of our bodies that we don't even consider to be erogenous.”

Jared glanced at his watch.

”Our time is almost up but I have a couple more questions and depending on the answers, more homework for next time.”

”Okay,” Jensen said and felt himself relaxing more as his heartbeat finally seemed to slow down to the normal rate.

”Do you masturbate?” Jared asked looking curious.

”Why?” Jensen blurted quickly, unnerved. ”Yes. Sometimes. Less lately. I'm not much in the mood for it as you can probably understand.”

”Do you get hard when you touch yourself?” Jared asked.

”Yes.”

”Is it difficult for you? I know you've said that you can't perform with your spouse.”

”I don't know it's hard to say. Sometimes it can take a while but I can usually get myself hard.”

”Okay. Do you always orgasm?”

”Most of the time.”

”Good, then I want you to do a bit of home work for next time. I want you to masturbate at least twice before our next session. The first time bring yourself close, but don't ejaculate. And the second time you can climax. There should be at least 12 hours between the two,” Jared paused.

”What's the point?” Jensen asked before Jared had a chance to continue.

”Do you normally touch yourself elsewhere other than your cock when you're masturbating?” Jared asked.

”Not really, no.”

”This time I want you to. The whole time you're touching yourself with one hand, I want you to go over the points with your other hand that you valued over 3 today. The point of the exercise is to teach you how to focus on erogenous zones other than just your penis. Also, if you usually use any sort of masturbatory aide to help with the prossess, I'd recommend against it during this exercise so you'll be able to concentrate on the erogenous points.”

”And the not coming thing?”

”I've found that many men with the same issue find it easier to get aroused when they know they don't have permission to finish. When they know they don't have to have an orgasm, it takes away the pressure of being able to perform perfectly. This doesn't work in all cases, but I want you to try it. During our next meeting we'll discuss if you had better results the second time after the first.”



At home Jensen deliberately avoided Danneel, but that wasn't really a hard job since she didn't seem to want to spend time with him anyway. After his second visit to Jared they had had a heated discussion about whose fault the whole situation was and how it should be solved. Jensen knew that at this point, it didn't seem likely like they could just pin point the moment everything started to go wrong and find out who was really the one who caused it. The whole problem went deeper than he was willing to admit and what Danneel wanted to see.

The next night when Danneel had announced that she would be having a girl's night out at friend's place, and Jensen shouldn't expect her home until morning, he went to bed with full intention on doing his home work. It felt ridiculous to actually call it that. Jensen had to snicker to himself as he imagined Jared in front of a chalk board asking him to tell the class if he had jerked off while rubbing his lips and how satisfying it had been on scale from 1 to 5.

He turned off the light and laid down wondering where he should start. It felt awkward to bring up one hand to his face and snake the other under the blankets. He started out with just pulling his cock in slow strokes and just rested his fingertips of his other hand on his mouth. A moment later he remembered how touching his lips had actually felt better while they had been a bit wet and he carefully moistened them with the tip of his tongue. It didn't feel as dumb like that and he ran his forefinger across his lower lip feeling the moist fullness of it.

His cock hardened against his palm and he jerked it slow, knowing that he couldn't come. It felt sort of shameful that he was only doing this because someone told him to and he shivered at the thought. It was kind of kinky knowing that in that moment even though he was in full control of what he did to himself, someone else still held the reins and gave him instructions on how to act.

Jensen let the tips of his fingers dip just a bit into his mouth as his lips parted for a low moan. Then he slowly slid them across his jaw to his earlobe and then down his neck. The cool air of the room made him shiver as he touched the sensitive skin along his neck with his wet fingers. His cock throbbed in his palm and, fuck, he would have to stop now. Reluctantly he dropped his hand off his skin and the other from his cock. He wanted to go back, finish what he was doing, but there was something else too. The want of showing Jared he could do this.



On the following Thursday when Jensen arrived to his appointment, he was surprised by seeing Jared behind the desk in the front instead of Katie.

”Hey Jensen,” Jared said smiling at him. ”I was just hanging out here waiting for you.”

”Where did you hide your pretty little secretary?” Jensen asked smiling back at Jared. ”I was sort of waiting to see her first.”

Jared laughed. ”Katie works only part time. Monday to Wednesday, and sometimes few hours on Friday mornings. If you only came for her, you should've kept coming on Tuesdays.”

”Oh,” Jensen tried to act like he was honestly dissappointed.

”I'm sorry to disappoint.”

Jensen laughed at the fake sad face Jared pulled and felt surprisingly relaxed and at ease as they moved to Jared's office.

”I thought we would start at this side and then move to therapy room if we have time,” Jared explained.

Jensen nodded and took a seat by the window.

”You look good today. More content than before,” Jared said.

”It was definitely easier coming here this time,” Jensen shrugged. ”I don't think this has solved anything yet, but I hope it will.”

”So, how did the homework go?” Jared asked as he settled in the other chair.

Jensen felt heat on his face and he knew his cheeks must have been turning pink at Jared's question. He had known Jared would ask but it still felt odd that he should start reviewing his jerk off sessions with the guy.

”It was okay,” Jensen finally said.

Jared raised an eyebrow. ”Just okay?”

”Well...”

”Did you follow the instructions?” Jared asked.

”Yes.”

”How did you feel the first time? Was it difficult not going fully through with it?”

”Yes.”

”Where did you touch yourself?”

”Lips, neck, cock.”

”Was it easy to get hard doing it?”

”It was okay. Like usual, but like, I wasn't so focused on what if it doesn't last.”

”What about the second time?”

”It was easier. Maybe partly because I had to wait for it. I got hard just fine and actually finished too...” Jensen looked at his hands and didn't meet Jared's eyes. ”But that's more of a problem with Danneel. Most of the time I can go through with it when it's just me since I don't have to make it work.”

”That's a very common problem,” Jared said and Jensen raised his eyes. ”Most of the time when there are erection problems that are not caused by a medical condition they focus mainly on times when there are certain expectations.”

”Like having to have sex with your wife,” Jensen said bitterly.

”It's typical that issues arise when there are other people's expectations involved.”

”No shit Sherlock.”

”In our second session you mentioned that you can get an erection with her, but it doesn't last long enough for penetration?.”

Jensen brought his hands up hiding his face with his palms. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. He felt the steady throb of blood rushing into his face, coloring his cheeks.

”There is no need to feel ashamed.”

Jensen snorted at that. ”Like you would know.”

”Can I ask you something?”

”Isn't that what you're here for?” Jensen spat out.

Jared just smiled softly like he hadn't noticed anything in Jensen's tone and Jensen felt almost bad for being so irritated.

”Can you orgasm during hand jobs and/or oral sex?” Jared asked.

Jensen wanted to laugh at that. He had expected this to come out earlier but this was as good as any time.

”Hand jobs, yes, sometimes. Or I get hard but don't ejaculate. But we don't do oral. Or I do it for her but she really doesn't want to participate in that,” Jensen explained and watched for Jared's reaction. Jared didn't look affected by the information but Jensen guessed that he had probably heard so many stories like this one that it was quite normal for him.

”Why do you believe she doesn't want to do it?” Jared asked.

”She thinks it isn't hygenic,” Jensen said with heat in his voice. ”Like I didn't fricking wash or something. But the problem for her is that I'm not cut like all the other guys she has ever been with. You know she actually told me one time that she would start doing it if I had a circumcision done. And I don't really want to.”

Jared just stayed quiet as Jensen's voice rose a bit. He was clearly waiting for Jensen to get everything out first and just sat back, watching Jensen intently. Maybe it was what he normally looked like when he was storing away facts he'd need later on, but Jensen felt like there was more to his intense gaze than he could grasp now. For a moment he could have sworn there had been a flash of heat in Jared's hazel eyes.

”My parents didn't want it done. My older brother was cut and he got this nasty infection from it, and even if it was a rare thing to happen and he got over it without any after effects, they didn't want that for me,” Jensen explained trying to move his gaze away from Jared's eyes. ”And I've always been like this. I don't want to change that for her.”

”Do you feel like this could be part of your problem? Do you feel she doesn't find you desirable?” Jared asked and Jensen laughed at him nervously. He couldn't look more like a concerned therapist at that moment, all empathy and serious face and leaning towards Jensen and this time it felt like something Jared had learned to do at some point. An act of some sort.

”Could be. It's always been an issue with us and I think it might sort of be my fault believing she would just get over it,” Jensen sighted. ”But I guess it's just become a bigger problem than it was in the past. And even if it wasn't part of the reason why not being able to have sex with her started, I think it has something to do with the fact we just can't fix things.”

Jared watched him intently. ”Would you ever consider couples therapy?”

”I could ask her. But I don't think that she would want to. She keeps saying that I'm the problem, so I don't think she thinks we could solve this together.”

”What about you?”

”What about me?”

”Do you feel like you could solve this together?”

Jensen fiddled with his ring and brought one hand up to run through his hair. He didn't really want to admit to Jared that for the longest time he had had a feeling that maybe his and Danneel's problems weren't going to get solved anymore.

”Not really...” he offered carefully.

”Think about it though. I think you both could benefit from it. Usually this type of problem can be solved if both partners are willing to take part in the therapy.”

”Could be,” Jensen admitted.



That night Jensen sat in the kitchen until Danneel got home. He himself had left work a bit earlier just to have time to think. As he heard the front door open and Danneel dropping her purse on the table in the hall, he felt nervous. These conversations were never something that he felt comfortable with, and lately, he had just wanted to flee whenever they had to have a serious discussion about anything. It felt so useless when neither of them seemed to see the matter from the other person's perspective.

”Jensen?” Danneel's voice came from the doorway. ”What are you doing here in the dark?”

Jensen shook his head and looked around. It had already gone dark outside and he hadn't really noticed that he should have turned on the light.

”Just thinking,” Jensen muttered.

”Oh.”

Jensen didn't know where Danneel had gotten the skill of packing so much degradation in a single syllable, but it never failed to feel annoying.

”Jared thinks we should see him together,” Jensen just blurted out, not really having the patience to explain himself any further.

”Jared?”

”The therapy guy you forced me to see, remember?”

”And?” She huffed. ”Must be going good if you're already on the first name basis.”

”He thinks it would be more efficient that way. The therapy,” Jensen explained shortly ignoring Danneel's comment. ”And I think he's right. If we want to make this work we should both be there.”

Danneel leaned against the doorway and looked at Jensen. Jensen held her gaze for a moment before looking hastily away. He suddenly had this weird feeling of fear that Danneel might actually want to come to the therapy session. It felt absolutely irrational to feel like that, but for some reason he felt like it wasn't what he really wanted. In his last few visits to Jared, Jensen had been able to relax enough to feel comfortable being there and adding Danneel to that mix would definitely ruin that.

”I don't think that would be a good idea,” Danneel finally said, and even if Jensen knew he should be disappointed he couldn't really feel it.

”Why?” Jensen asked after a full minute of silence, in which he just waited for Danneel to go on and explain herself.

It doesn't seem to be me who can't fuck his wife,” she finally said harshly and turned sharply on her heels.

”But it's definitely you who gets that fucking disgusted expression when she has to touch her husband,” Jensen yelled after her. ”Why the hell would I want to fuck a bitch like that!”

He heard the front door bang before the final words were out of his mouth. He sort of regretted them, but couldn't find it in himself to actually get up and go after her. She'd come home later, or crash with her friends, like the hundred other times she had run out of the house during a fight.



Part 2

At work the next day, Jensen found himself opening the drawer on the left side of his desk from time to time. He stared accusingly at the white envelope at the bottom, but couldn't bring himself to actually take it out and look in it. After he had gotten lunch and told Alona he'd be stepping out for the afternoon, he took a final glance at the envelope and walked out of his office.

”Chris,” he said as soon as his friend picked up the phone, ”Bar. Now.”

They met an hour later in their usual bar. Jensen sat in the dim corner booth as Chris walked in and got a pint before sliding on the bench opposite Jensen. He took a long sip before finally looking Jensen in the eye.

”So, what has the dragon done this time?”

”She thinks counseling would solve our problems.”

”Really?,” Chris raised an eyebrow. ”So she's finally ready to try and act like a human being?”

”Wouldn't say so,” Jensen said. ”Let me rephrase. She thinks I'm the problem and I should be the one getting therapy.”

”That bitch,” Chris huffed and Jensen laughed bitterly. His friends had stopped trying to be nice about Danneel a long time ago. Maybe he should have taken a hint sooner. ”I don't really understand why you just don't do what half of the country does in a situation like that.”

”And that is what?”

”File for divorce. I know it's not what you want to do, and I know you love her, but that doesn't sound like a healthy way to solve anything at this point. Isn't she the one who keeps on cheating?”

Jensen flinched at Chris' words. They had never really talked about Danneel's cheating, but he knew Chris had known for almost as long as it had been happening. The first time had been when they were first dating but it had been such a classic little mistake, drunk and not really thinking, and Jensen had forgiven it. Maybe a bit too easily. The next time had been a few months after the problems with sex had started and Jensen had been so ashamed and so sure it was all his fault that he felt he couldn't even be mad at her for doing it. And now, when he knew there had been others too, he was just too tired to even react if she told him she had to work late and came home smelling like sex and cologne he didn't own.

”Maybe,” he said and fought the urge to bang his head against the table. ”I just... I didn't think it'd ever happen to me.”

”No one does,” Chris said quietly and their eyes met over the pints. Jensen knew that Chris spoke from experience.



”I've actually had divorce papers drawn for months now,” Jensen said as soon as he had settled in the chair opposite Jared.

Jared's eyes widened a bit but otherwise he looked as professional and calm as ever. They were in Jared's office again and Jensen picked on the worn leather of his chair. He knew that Jared had probably had a plan for this session too but Jensen had surprised himself by actually wanting to talk this time.

”I haven't told anyone that before,” Jensen admitted. ”Well, except to my lawyer. I almost gave them to her right away, but then just couldn't. Thought that maybe we could fix it, but now it just feels like we're kicking a dead horse.”

”Do you feel like you'd be ready to just give up?”

”Do I sound that desperate?” Jensen felt a small smile tugging on the corners of his mouth despite the whole situation.

”Comparing a relationship to beating a dead animal clearly points in that direction,” Jared said calmly.

”Did you learn that on those fancy psychology courses you've taken?” Jensen nodded towards Jared's wall of diplomas and awards.

”Actually they teach that in Psychology 101, first lesson of relationships.” Jared's face was perfectly serious for all three seconds before he had to smile and Jensen just about fell apart. He laughed so hard his eyes watered and then the sudden burst of laughter turned into uncontrollable sobs. He felt Jared's hands on him and he leaned forward against Jared's strong frame.

”Wasn't really that funny,” he whispered quietly when he could finally breath more easily. ”I might have gotten some snot on your shirt.”

”That's okay.”



”Have you ever done yoga?” Jared asked when Jensen arrived for his appointment the week after.

Jensen lifted his chin and looked at Jared sceptically. ”Random much?”

”Not really,” Jared smiled. ”I'm also a certified yoga instructor, even if I only teach it on every second Tuesday. I used to do it more during college, but now it's more of a hobby.”

”Yoga and sex therapy? What next?”

”Well, I did go through a phase where I ate only raw foods, but since I'm not a qualified nutritionist I don't think I should be giving others nutritional advice, Jared smirked.”

Jensen laughed. ”And that has nothing to do with the fact that your inner Texan can't resist barbecue?”

”Nothing,” Jared's smile went so wide Jensen could see the flash of white teeth.

”But what does the yoga thing have to do with anything?”

Jared stood up and motioned for Jensen to follow him into the therapy room while he explained what he had on his mind.

”It's not usually a technique that I use in therapy, but I have this one relaxation exercise that I've used in my yoga classes. It teaches you awareness of your body, but also helps you to relax. I thought that it'd be good for you. I've tried it with certain clients before and they've found it enjoyable at least.”

”Isn't yoga like all about bending in awkward poses and meditating?” Jensen blurted before he could help himself. He hadn’t actually met a guy who really enjoyed yoga and to him it was more of something that one of Danneel’s friends might do. Jared just gave him a snort and a small eyeroll.

”Yoga is about finding your balance. It trains both body and mind,” Jared said and chuckled. ”Ok that sounded cheesy. But it's not just about the poses. It can be a really good muscle workout too.”

”So, do you like whip out some yoga mats or something?”

Jared laughed softly and Jensen felt it tug something loose inside him. He wanted to join the laughter and a weird feeling of joy rushed over him. He thought that maybe it was just Jared, who seemed to be such an easy guy to get along with and his laughter that just invited Jensen to join. A shiver ran over him at that thought and he felt like he should tell his subconscious not to be so cheesy.

”We'll do it in the therapy room. It doesn't involve bending or moving. You just need to lie on the bed.”

They moved to the other room and Jared instructed Jensen to take off his shoes and lay down on the bed.

”Keep your arms relaxed by your sides, palms up. Then close your eyes. This is usually done at the end of the yoga class when everyone's already done some cooling down and stretching. So we'll start slow. First just listen to my voice and breathe slowly in and out through your nose. If it feels uncomfortable you may try breathing in through your mouth and then exhale through your nose.” Jared's voice was a low rumble of a sound, sort of softer than he usually spoke and his accent dragging some words longer than necessary.

”Now, I'm going to go through your body. Everytime I say something, try to visualise that part of your body. I'll go fairly fast so you may have to just roll from part to part. Feel how your skin warms as you become aware of each and every part of your body,” Jared spoke. ”We'll start on the right side.”

”Palm of your right hand, thumb, forefinger, middle finger, ring finger, pinkie...” Jared started and then slowly moved up Jensen's arm and Jensen could actually feel warmth like Jared had said he might. It was like a physical touch even if it was just his own consciousness stroking over his skin. ”Shoulder, shoulder blade...”

Jensen's mind swam a little. He felt so weird. The phantom warmth seemed to drag a shiver after it and he briefly wondered if he could maybe flex his fingers. But he didn't really have space in his head for extra thoughts as he slowly worked over body part after body part. Jared's voice carried him forward in the exercise and just before he moved to the left side Jensen could sense the difference between the side they had worked through and the side they hadn't. It was an eerie feeling of lost balance that reconstructed itself piece by piece as Jared took him over to his left side.

”And now, become aware of your breathing, feel how it feels to inhale, how it feels to exhale. Be aware of yourself as a whole and then, when you feel ready, slowly open your eyes and widen your awareness from yourself to your surroundings.”

Jensen exhaled through his nose and slowly blinked as he opened his eyes. Even if the room was dimly lit it felt bright. He felt oddly drowsy, like he had just been in a deep sleep even if he had been fully awake through the whole thing.

”You can also do this on your own,” Jared spoke softly. ”You can use it as it is or just use pieces of it. Sometimes when you feel like your whole concentration centers around a single part of yourself, no matter if it's because of pain or any other reason you can help yourself by slowly visualising parts around that body part and then slowly try and move further and further.”

Jensen knew what Jared was actually suggesting was probably that he should try and use it when his concentration fell solely on his inability to perform, but he felt so warm and relaxed that actually, for the first time in a long time, he didn't really care. His mouth felt dry and he got up slowly like a bear rising from its winter sleep. He sat on the edge of the bed and turned his head to Jared who sat on the sofa, looking comfortable and ruffled in the dim light like he had been relaxing too.



The white of the papers looked utterly bright against the dark tablecloth, one of Danneel's attempts at making the kitchen look more like it had actually been done by some expensive interior designer. Jensen looked at the clock on the wall and sighed, feeling jaded and ten years older than his actual age. He tried not to think back to the discussion he had had with his mother the day before. It had been one of the hardest phone calls he had ever made, counting the one time he had been arrested at sixteen and had had to call his parents from the police station. The disappointment in his mother's voice had been evident, even if she had tried to hide it.

”Jensen,” she had said in that same tone she had used countless times in the past when she thought that she hoped he would know better. ”Is there anyone you can talk to?”

He had told her that he'd been seeing a counsellor, leaving out that Jared wasn't exactly one to give the sort of marriage counselling that she probably had in mind. They had talked a while, and he had tried to reason his thoughts to her, but he really didn't want to go into details of Danneel cheating and the constant fighting and everything. He had just told her that they had grown apart, that there wasn't anything to fix anymore.

Jensen turned his gaze away from the papers as he heard the front door open. This was it, he really couldn't back out this time. He had pushed this as far as it could go and if he pussyfooted now, they'd still be living this nightmare of a life five years later.

”Jen?” Danneel's tone was just mildly concerned.

”I think you should sit down for this,” Jensen told her.



In the end, telling Danneel had actually been much easier than he had expected and in the days following the actual signing of all the paperwork, they had had one of the most civil conversations they had all year. It was like they had both had a chance to finally breath and the air in the house had cleared.

”It's weird,” Jensen told Chris when they sat in the bar that Friday. ”I was expecting a divorce from hell, and I think this still has potential to turn into one when we actually start to divide property and stuff, but now that we know we're not going to be together any longer, we actually fight less since we don't have to try and work things out constantly.”

”That's good,” Chris said.

”But it's still so fucking hard. Sometimes I can still see the side of her that I actually fell for, and I just want to say ”fuck it” and ”let's cancel the whole thing”. But I can't since I know that this can't be anything but the right choice for us.”



”I thought we'd start on the bed today,” Jared said as soon as Jensen was inside the therapy room.

Jensen turned to him. He had sort of been expecting Jared to want to talk more, but this was good. Maybe he could empty his mind a bit and he actually enjoyed Jared's company, even if it was weird to keep seeing him when his reason for going in the first place had stopped existing. But he had talked about it with Jared and they had came to an agreement that it would probably be beneficial for Jensen's future relationships if he built up his confidence more, so that the issues he had with Danneel wouldn't ruin his next relationship too.

”You remember the first exercise we did here?” Jared asked and waited until Jensen nodded. ”This is basically the same thing, but since it'd be hard for you to reach everywhere, I'll be touching you. Is that okay?”

Jensen's mouth dropped. Wasn't that something that shouldn't happen? But he had never been in this situation. He bit his lower lip and nodded slowly to Jared. Jared probably didn't see anything sexual happening between the two of them and the whole exercise was about Jensen, wasn't it. He's a professional, Jensen reminded himself.

”It'd be easiest if you were naked or down to your underwear, but it's your choice. You can undress to the level you're comfortable with. Just put your clothes on the sofa,” Jared said. ”When you're ready lay down on the bed, on your stomach. I'll step out to give you some privacy.”

Jensen snickered to himself as Jared closed the door after him. Privacy. That must be a joke since in a moment Jared would come back and start touching him. Jensen folded his jacket on the sofa and took off his shoes and socks. The shirt and undershirt were an obvious choice as were his pants too. He stood there is his boxers for a moment and then, feeling bold tugged them down and placed them on his pile of discarded clothes.

He lay down on the bed and listened to Jared move in the other room. A moment later he heard the door open and close with a significant click that indicated Jared had actually locked it too. Jensen pressed his face in the pillows feeling the cool sheets under him and tried not to feel too self conscious about the whole thing. He anticipated that maybe Jared touching him wasn't so bad and for a fleeting second he found himself even hoping for it, which felt utterly stupid since wasn't that why he was lying there in the first place.

”From one to five like before,” Jared said as he knelt on the bed beside Jensen who felt more than a bit ridiculous lying there bareassed.

Jensen took a deep breath and waited for Jared's touch. It came as soon as he had expected but it surprised him that Jared had started with his toes. Long fingers touching each of them, carefully, and Jensen wiggled them trying to get used to the touch. It was a bit weird at the moment, but he was glad that Jared had started with something that didn't feel sexual.

”One,” he said as Jared moved to the soles of his feet and made Jensen jump a bit. ”Tickles.”

Jared moved to his ankles, just tracing them with his fingers before wrapping his palms around and just holding still for a moment that felt longer than it probably was.

”Two,” Jensen breathed out as Jared's thumbs traced over the bumps of bone inside his ankles.

He got numbers from one to three all the way up his legs and tensed a bit when Jared stopped again, his thumbs drawing circular patterns on Jensen's inner thighs.

”Four.”

He felt himself hardening, not all the way but enough that it made it harder for him just to concentrate on Jared's warm hands. His cock was thick and heavy against the bed and he closed his eyes as Jared moved forward gently stroking his buttocks. He tried to tell himself that he wasn't really reacting on Jared, who had big hands with long capable fingers, but on the touching he hadn't lately gotten from anyone. He hadn't done anything like this with Danneel in a long, long time and just having some one's hands tenderly rubbing his skin felt too good.

”Four.”

Jensen breathed in slowly and tried to get his heartbeat back to normal as Jared stroked over the skin on his lower back, moving away from his ass. Just a couple of two's over his back and soft laughter when Jared's fingers ghosted over the ticklish points on his ribs. The rest of the exercise felt weirdly what fooling around with his high school girlfriend had been like. First moving forward and then trying to calm himself down and relax as she had stopped him before they actually got anywhere.

Jensen could feel the warmth of Jared's body over him and it felt really weird that he actually found the situation somewhat arousing despite the position he was in. Laying under Jared all naked and knowing the guy could easily pin him down and not let him up even if he wanted to. Being held down was something he'd never considered as one of his kinks before but now he could see why some people liked it. He swallowed thickly trying to assure himself that it was just him finding out that he wanted to be held down, not him wanting Jared to be the one holding him down.



After his session with Jared, Jensen spent a few hours just driving around. It had definitely thrown him off balance even though Jared probably never intended to do that. Instead of thinking about the result of the exercise and an assignment Jared had given him, the one he had done before about touching the points he had numbered four or over, he kept thinking about Jared.

The whole wanting Jared to hold him down had snowballed into a full fantasy of Jared turning him over on the bed and pushing his arms over his head with his muscles bulging under the tight fitting t-shirt Jared had worn on their second or third session.

Jensen flashed back to a moment in high school after he had walked in on Mark, the school's star basketball player, making out with a cheerleader. He had had her pressed against the lockers in the boys locker room. He could remember that it had been late in the afternoon and everyone else had already left. Jensen had forgotten something and had gone back for it. He had heard them before he had actually seen them.

The girl, whose name Jensen couldn't recall, had been standing against the lockers with Mark's thigh pressed between her legs. He had had his hand tangled in her hair and she had made these desperate little moans as he had grabbed her by the waist and picked her up with such an ease Jensen's breath had caught. He couldn't take his eyes off them as Mark had carried her towards the bench behind them and gathered her in his lap as he sat down with her legs open over his thighs.

It wasn't anything Jensen had admitted to himself back then, but he had jacked off to that image for weeks. He had told himself it was about the girl and how he wanted to be the one manhandling her, but some of it had been Mark and the ease he had lifted her up and onto his lap. Now Jensen found himself thinking how easily Jared, who had to be at least three or four inches taller than Jensen himself, could do something like that. Even to a guy, Jensen's traitorous mind supplied unhelpfully.



”I thought today we could talk about some ways that might make it easier for you to start an intimate relationship,” Jared said as Jensen settled in his usual chair in the office.

”I'm not going to want anyone for a while,” Jensen said and felt his cheeks reddening as he saw Jared raise an eyebrow. ”I don't think I can just get over the end of my relationship with Danneel and move on that easily. It's been years since I've had anyone but Danneel and we both know how well that has been working...”

”I didn't really suggest you find someone right now. This is for the future. One day you'll meet someone and I think it would really boost your confidence if you had some strategies in place.”

Jensen nodded.

”The first thing I would suggest is to be honest and don't hide the fact that you've had problems in past, but I know it will be hard to tell,” Jared said.

”No shit,” Jensen mumbled.

”In a new relationship it should be easy for you to tell the person you want to get to know them first and that way give yourself more time before you have to confront the subject you probably aren't that willing to come out with. I think honesty is the best way to go. Having the other person know about your past problem will let that person know that even if it happens, it's not about them. Also, them knowing about your problems can lower their expectations, especially the first time around, which can decrease your stress levels.”

”Danneel used to think it was about her,” Jensen leaned back in his chair biting his lip. ”Then she decided that it was about me.”

”That's one of the reason's you should be honest. Let them know that it's mostly caused by a very natural reaction and was escalated because of the pressure that was put upon you by both you and your partner. It won't get better if you don't learn to relax together before any sexual acts. And I really believe that going slowly would only have a positive effect on you. That way you can get the feeling of accomplishment from the things you have no problem with.”

”What if the other person wants to go faster?” Jensen asked.

”If at any point in the relationship you feel pressured to go at a faster pace than you're comfortable with, I want you to ask yourself if the person who can't wait for you to be ready is worth of your time.”

Jensen raised his eyebrow. ”Is that from the Handy Book of Clichés for Therapists?”

Jared smiled knowingly. Jensen's sarcastic attitude with most of his more cliché advice was probably something he had gotten from his other patients too. ”Would it be better if I told you that you should go ahead and attach yourself to someone who won't be able to handle the fact that relationships might need work and compromises? That you should just do what the other person wants and keep seeing me forever since the problem you have just keeps getting worse instead of better?”

”That would be good for your business I guess,” Jensen shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant even if, for some absolutely irrational reason, he sort of didn't want to stop seeing Jared at any point.



”Have you ever used any toys?” Jared asked at the beginning of their session a few weeks later.

Jensen grinned. He had started to get used to the randomness of Jared's ways to open the session. Sometimes it was a long talk about the last session' topic and what he had thought in between the sessions and sometimes it was this. Jared would just blurt out a question and they'd go from there. Jensen had noticed that it mostly happened when he was feeling really relaxed when he came into the session, so maybe it wasn't so random and more of Jared's way of reacting to the fact that Jensen was open to more direct discussion when he wasn't tense from the beginning.

”Toys?”

”Sex toys,” Jared coaxed. ”You know, things that are supposed to make you feel good?”

Jensen laughed. He enjoyed how he could relax in Jared's company and how every therapy session seemed to be more of a friendly banter than a serious talk between a counsellor and his patient.

”No, not really,” he admitted. ”One of my college girlfriends used to have this vibrator she brought out once or twice, but never anything else.”

”Did you play with the vibrator together?”

”Yes.”

”Did you use it on her or did she use it on you?”

”On her, of course. It was a girl toy,” Jensen said.

”Not necessarily,” Jared said. ”Guys can enjoy a variety of vibrating toys too.”

”I don't want a pink dolphin up my ass!”

”Why do you think you should put it inside?” Jared asked.

Jensen gave him a look that asked if he was a bit slow, but Jared waved him off.

”Most of the things can be used a variety of ways. You've already seen how any part of your body can be sensitive to the touch, so why should you concentrate on a single part of yourself?”

”Okay?”

”I'd like you to go to a store that specializes in sex toys. You don't have to buy anything, but pick out a few things and try to think about alternative uses for them. And then, when you're in a general store, try and see if there are any things that could be safely used as sex toys.”

”Isn't this a bit weird?” Jensen had to ask. Sometimes Jared just seemed to pull these things out of his head and Jensen really didn't know if they were in any way helping him.

”This is about finding the fun side of sex again. You know how when you're younger everything is new and exciting? This way we'll get you in the headspace of finding sexual things fun again. I've seen how you approach sex like it's a task instead of seeing that it can be about having fun together.”

Jared grinned at him as he finished explaining and Jensen blushed at that. He knew Jared didn't mean that the two of them could have fun together like that, but something in Jared's wicked grin made him think otherwise. He really needed to put his mind on a leash these days.



The shop was small, but full of light. Jensen, who had never been in a sex store before, found himself standing in between the shelves feeling like a total dork. He watched the clerk, hyper bald guy, talking to a group of girls about different toys and felt oddly grateful not being the only one in the store. It gave him time to look around in peace without anyone asking if he needed help or if he was looking for something in particular.

Jensen moved from shelf to shelf looking at the colorful things and rotated Jared's words around in his head. He looked at all the boxes and fidgeted nervously. Some of the things were just too bizarre. How could anyone really use a dildo that was bigger than his forearm?

”Hey, do you need help?” The clerk asked suddenly.

Jensen jumped. He had been so deep in thought that he hadn't really noticed that the girls had left and he was alone in the store.

”I'm just looking,” he stuttered to the bald guy.

”Yes Hon, I know you are.” The guy told him and steered him to the other side of the shelf.

More than half an hour later, Jensen found himself standing in the street with a black plastic bag that could probably be considered very discreet, but he still felt like he should just tiptoe away as in some really bad spy parody hoping that maybe no one could see him.

The short trip home felt hours long with the nondescript black bag on the front seat and he wondered how could he have gone from being a responsible shopper who always buys only what he really wants and needs into a guy who just agrees to buy anything that's being forced on him. Except he still can't really forget how Mike, and damn if he's on a first name basis with a sex store clerk now, told him all the things he bought were going to blow his mind.



”So I went to see things like you told me,” Jensen said, as Jared asked him what he had done since their last time.

Jared's eyebrow rose and Jensen could see the curiosity in his eyes, but Jared didn't ask anything.

”I maybe kinda did something else besides look at them...”

Jared leaned forward excitedly. ”Really?” And then seemed to catch himself and leaned back trying to look cool, ”And how was that?”

”How was what?” Jensen asked.

”Your experience?” Jared said looking bashful.

”You're almost jumping out of your chair.”

”Oh.” Jared's cheeks reddened a bit and Jensen thought that this was probably the only time Jensen had seen him so close to blushing. ”I didn't expect you to actually buy anything.”

”Why not?”

”You didn't seem comfortable talking about the subject let alone buying anything the first time out. I'm just surprised since you don't seem like...” Jared broke off in the middle of his sentence and turned his face away for a second. Jensen saw him worrying his lower lip between his teeth for a moment before Jared turned back to face him. ”Just didn't expect it,” he added lamely.

”You were about to say something else,” Jensen observed. ”What don't I seem like?”

”Nothing,” Jared shrugged clearly trying to appear like it wasn't a big deal which really made Jensen wonder. ”Just needed to rephrase.”

Jensen studied Jared's face. The tension in the room was odd, since they had always seemed to be at ease in each other's company. Even in the beginning when Jensen himself had been more closed off and careful with his words, it had been different. Jared had always seemed relaxed in any situation, so why would he freeze now like he was the one with embarrassing secrets.

”Could you just tell me?” Jensen asked.

Jared looked away. ”I just... You don't seem like a very experimental type of a guy. I thought that you might need a lot more time to try things that weren't in your comfort zone.”

Jensen was puzzled. That was it? He had actually thought that Jared would say something different. His body language had been so weirdly tense that Jensen had expected, well he didn't know exactly what, but something.

”Okay,” he finally said letting go of the subject. ”Maybe I'm not the type but I kinda got talked into buying a few things and thought that maybe I should just go with it. Man, the clerk was like scarily intense. I'd have probably bought anything from him. He could have sold like ice cubes to Inuits.”

”Where did you go?”

”Don't remember the shop's name. It's not far from here and I had driven past it coming here. Smallwillies? Or something equally stupid. But one of those places that are supposed to look like general supermarket's instead of sex stores.”

Jared smiled and it was his open, relaxed smile again. ”I know that place. The owner's kind of crazy but they have a good variety of things. So, what did you get?”

Jensen grinned, feeling bold enough to even tease a little. ”Isn't that between me and my toys?”

”And your counsellor,” Jared added in a light tone that seemed a bit too fake for Jensen's liking, but he decided to ignore it. Maybe Jared just had an off day and the weird mood would pass soon enough. Or maybe Jared had taken his teasing as flirting and was uncomfortable.

”I just got this DVD the guy in the store recommended,” Jensen started quickly. ”And then this, um, cock ring, because the guy said it'd be good for staying hard longer. Since my, um, problem really isn't getting hard but... you know.”

Jared's eyes bugged out and he actually leaned forward in his chair like an excited child who had been told that they would be going to Disneyworld. ”You actually told the guy?”

”No, but he said it while he was showing me some stuff,” Jensen explained smiling a bit as Jared seemed more like himself now. ”And then the last thing I got because he told me it was something that every guy should try at least once...” Jensen broke off and blushed. It was annoying how talking about sex things still got him to act like a teenager.

”What else?” Jared asked sounding more excited than his appearence let Jensen think.

”A dildo,” Jensen mumbled. ”A really thin one that's just like designed just for guys for prostate stimulation or something.”

”Really?”

”I don't even know if I'm going to use it,” Jensen said avoiding Jared's eager gaze. So much for Jared being the one feeling awkward for one reason or another. ”It just sounded like something that even straight guys should try and I don't know... I just wanted to get out of the store at that point.”

”Have you ever tried to stimulate your prostate? Or have you had anyone to do it for you?”

”No,” Jensen said. ”I don't even... The doc that did my physical when I first started seeing you checked it out and I don't really see how it would feel comfortable.”

”It can be really good. And I don't think a medical examination can compare because it's their job just to see if your prostate is normal. When you do it yourself or have a partner do it for you, it's not all about just pushing a finger in and feeling around,” Jared explained.

Jensen studied his expression while he spoke. He didn't want to admit it to himself really, but he was curious. Did Jared talk from experience?

”So, like, if I were to test the thing I got, what should I do?” Jensen asked before he could think it any further. Not that he felt at all comfortable asking Jared for directions on how to use something like that, but he really couldn't ask anyone else. ”Or don't tell me. I can just google it or something.”

Jared laughed. ”You don't have to be embarrassed.”

”I'm not,” Jensen said defensively even if he felt his ears burn.

Jared raised an eyebrow and smiled at him. His body language was more familiar and relaxed now, and even if Jensen actually felt embarrassed as hell, he enjoyed the fact that Jared seemed to be back in the game. ”Really?”

Jensen crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. ”So, if you were to give me tips what would they be?”

”Do you have good lube?” Jared asked. ”I pref... recommend silicone based. It doesn't dry up so you don't have to add more in the middle.”

”Yeah,” Jensen nodded looking away. Had Jared almost slipped and said it was what he preferred? ”Or that's what the guy in the store said.”

”Use plenty, and start slow. If you feel tense and can't relax, try again some other time. Best way to start is with one finger to get yourself used to the feeling of being penetrated. Do you know where the prostate is located?” Jared gave Jensen a moment to nod. ”Good. So you can try crooking your finger a bit and just feeling around. You'll know when you hit the right spot. Most people seem to like to use a few fingers, so you can test out what feels comfortable for you. You can scissor your fingers a bit to get yourself more relaxed and used to the sensation. You may want to get up to three fingers before trying to insert the toy depending how wide it is. Does it have a flared bottom?”

”What?” Jensen choked out. He hadn't really understood the question as he had been listening to the sound of Jared's voice instead of what he was saying. And he had to pull his eyes up from Jared's long fingers which he hadn't even noticed he had been looking at. At least he hadn't actually thought about what they'd feel like inside him.

”The toy,” Jared said patiently, his eyes twinkling a bit. ”Is it wider at the base?”

”Why?” Jensen's mouth felt dry and he had to shake his head a bit to clear his thoughts.

”Any anally used toys should be wider at the base so that it doesn't accidentally slip fully inside you,” Jared smiled. ”Saves you from the embarrassment of going to the ER and getting it removed. Even if you think you can hold it, the lube will make it really difficult to keep a good grip on it, especially if you try holding it steady through an orgasm.”

”Oh,” Jensen finally caught on and had to clear his throat before answering. His mind had already moved on from Jared's fingers to the fact that Jared knew it was hard to hold on to a lube slicked toy. From there he'd gone to a thought of Jared on his back with his long legs open while he used one.

”And?” Jared looked at him expectantly.

”The guy at the store said it's just for anal use and it's supposed to be perfectly safe.”

”Good,” Jared smiled. ”I have this friend I used to be roommates with, who I once had to take to the ER when he got a vegetable stuck inside him. Never told me which one, but let me tell you, even if he's the craziest fucker I know, he was so red I thought that he'd actually turn into a beetroot.”

Jensen laughed, feeling glad that someone else had way more awkward problems than the ones he had.



That night Jensen brought out the toy and sat on his bed for the longest time just staring at it. Even if it was almost the smallest thing he had seen in the store, it still looked too big to actually fit inside him. He tried to remind himself that even an average sized cock would be bigger and if someone could have one of those inside them regularly, the thin toy wouldn't be so bad. Finally he sighed heavily and got up to take a shower.

He lingered on his cock for a while, wondering if he would be more relaxed if he got off first, but decided against it. Maybe, if it felt really good, he'd come while using the dildo. Even if he chickened out and just pushed the thing back into its box, he could still jerk off later. He tried to distract himself by concentrating on washing himself extra good and managed not to think about it for a whole minute while washing his hair. While he soaped himself with body wash, his mind lingered back on the toy and he let his fingers wander around until he was slowly circling his hole. It seemed so small under his fingertips, but he could feel blood rushing to his cock as he rubbed gently on the sensitive skin. Maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal to give the toy a try?

After his shower he dried himself off and got straight into bed. He wondered if he should lay a towel under himself to try and keep the lube from getting on the sheets, but it felt too ridiculous. After all it was a big bed. Maybe if he just stayed on the one side he could sleep on the other if there was a wet spot after. He wondered idly on the fact that if he tried out the toy with someone else, one of them would end up sleeping in the wet spot. Or they'd have to cuddle up on the dry side.

Snickering slightly at his own stupidness he laid down and unscrewed the lid from the lube. It was cold going on his fingers and he hissed as he touched behind his balls. He brought his knees up to gain better access, and imitated the movements he had used in the shower, just slightly circling his hole. When the slick touch of his fingers didn't feel so odd anymore and the lube had warmed up a bit against his skin he pressed the pad of his middle finger against his hole and pushed gently. It slid inside more easily than he had expected, the lube making his passage slippery to touch. He kept the finger still for a moment, just barely in and it surprised him how it didn't really feel uncomfortable, just a little weird. He pushed in deeper and it burned just a tiny bit as he got almost the whole finger in. He remembered Jared's advise on crooking his finger and as he did, he almost instantly hit the right spot.

”Oh Damn,” Jensen muttered aloud.

If he had known it would feel like this he'd have tried this out a long time ago. He hastily added a second finger and gasped as the burn and pressure doubled. If felt more uncomfortable than just the one finger, but it also felt better. He dug his heels in to the mattress trying to angle his hips so that he'd hit his prostate in every shaky slide in. The whole position was straining his muscles and he absently wondered what difference it would make if his fingers were just a tad bit longer, like Jared's his subconscious happily supplied. He felt himself get harder at the image of Jared's long fingers fucking him open.

Jensen shook his head to get rid of the image and grabbed the toy in his free hand. He pulled his fingers out of himself and found the lube where it laid dismissed on the bed. He added some on his fingers and slicked it over the shiny toy. He bit his lip as he angled the toy against his opening and opened his mouth with a moan when he finally slid it in. It felt really different from his fingers. The smooth texture made it easy to slide it in and out without a notable burn and somehow Jensen found himself missing it. He had never really imagined how a cock would feel inside but for a fleeting second he wondered if it would be more like his fingers had felt. If the texture would be rougher than the smoothness of the toy.

To banish any real thoughts of getting actually fucked he turned the switch in the base on the toy and it suddenly came to life inside him. It was like lightning striking inside him as he angled the vibrating piece of plastic and silicone against his prostate. He panted open-mouthed and he had to close his eyes as all of his concentration fell to the small place inside him that seemed to send sparks everywhere. Hazily he realized that he hadn't touched his cock at all and the wet feeling on his stomach was precum that was dribbling from his rock hard cock that eagerly twitched against his stomach. He hadn't been this close to coming without touching his cock since his teenage years and as he wrapped his hand around himself he let out a groan that sounded too much like Jared's name on his lips. He turned the vibrating up a notch with his other hand and thought that he would black out as he came hard.



The next time Jensen went to Jared's office he met smiling Katie in the waiting room. She was reading something with her feet kicked up on the desk and she blushed slightly as she hid a magazine behind her back and dropped her feet.

”Don't worry,” Jensen laughed trying to peer over her back to see what she had been reading. ”I won't say anything.”

”Good,” she said turning to the computer. ”Do you have an appointment?”

”Yeah,” Jensen nodded.

”Haven't seen you for a while,” she said sweetly, more small talk than anything else. ”Did you stop coming for a while?”

”No,” Jensen turned his face away from her. ”Thursday's fit into my schedule better and you're not working then so we haven't run into each other lately.” He really didn't want to admit that he really liked it the best when Jared was the only person around, even if he could trust Katie not to intrude on Jared's sessions with his patients.

”Well, nice to see you again,” Katie said. ”How have you been?”

”All right, I guess,” Jensen said. ”You?”

Katie's smile turned up to a million watts. ”Awesome.”

That was when Jared's door opened and a couple came out holding hands. They both looked happy and Jared was smiling pleasantly. ”See Katie for the next appointment if you want one, but I'm sure you could take a few weeks off and then maybe see me once or twice to get some pointers for the future.”

The couple thanked Jared and Jensen could see the guy looking a little embarrassed as he noticed Jensen standing by Katie's desk. Jensen tried to look reassuring, after all, they both were here for the same thing, right?

The couple moved to Katie and Jared asked Jensen inside.

”So, what's up?” Jared asked as Jensen settled in his usual chair.

Jensen had to smile at Jared as Jared sat opposite him. He had been in such a good mood the last few days and knew that he'd have to tell Jared's about it. On the way to Jared's office he had been sort of jittery, thinking about what he had done multiple times now and decided that he'd have to be honest about it to Jared, but he'd really need to leave out the fact that his mind had slipped to Jared most times he had been playing with his new toy. Maybe it was something that would pass. Jared had been such a huge part of anything that he's done sexually in a while that maybe it was natural to insert him in his fantasies now?

”I actually tried out the toy,” Jensen said. ”And I never would have imagined, but I really liked it.”

Jared's eyes lit up and he looked at Jensen intently, Jensen could see him swallow and then moisten his dry lips with the tip of his tongue. For some really irrational reason Jensen felt exposed, but it faded as Jared seemed to relax again and asked in his usual tone, ”How did you play with it?”

Jensen watched Jared's expression, all relaxed and full of neutral interest. For a while there Jensen would have bet money that Jared was into the fact that Jensen had tried the toy. Jensen felt the familiar warmth of arousal rush through him at the tiniest thought that maybe Jared had pictured him using the toy.

Jensen rolled his shoulders back slowly, trying to concentrate on the movement and forget thinking about Jared like that. ”I tried first with my fingers and then with the toy.”

”Where did you do it?” Jared asked.

”On my bed,” Jensen answered, his tongue felt thick and heavy. It seemed suddenly hard to speak clearly.

”Tell me,” Jared said in a slight tone, but there was unmistakable heat in his eyes now and Jensen wondered if he had read Jared right the first time.

”I took it out of it's box and took a shower. Wondered if I should use it all,” Jensen started. ”But I did. I laid on the bed on my back and massaged myself with one finger at first.”

”How did it feel?” Jared asked.

”Different. Weird,” Jensen let the words roll off his tongue. ”Hot. And tight. And when I went deeper it burned.”

”Did you pull back then?” Jared asked, his accent thick in his words.

”No, I...” Jensen had to swallow. ”I liked it. The burn. And the stretch. I wanted more, so I used two fingers and the pleasurable feeling intensified.”

”Did you touch your prostate?” Jared asked. Jensen could hear the same breathiness in his voice than he knew was evident in his own.

”Yes, and it was... It was more than I had expected. Better than I could have ever imagined,” Jensen spoke and felt his cock swell as the thought of how the touch of his fingers had felt.

”Yeah,” Jared said and Jensen's eyes fell onto his lap. He could see that Jared was getting hard, too, and his mouth watered. He had never thought about sucking cock, but now that was exactly what came to his mind. ”When did you bring out the toy?”

Jared's voice distracted Jensen and he was quiet for a moment before answering. ”After I had been using my fingers for a while.”

”How did it feel? Did it feel different than your fingers?”

At this point Jared could have said anything and it would have had an effect on Jensen's cock. He had no idea how they had gone directly into what felt like foreplay, instead of discussing things like they had done in the past. Had it always been this way? Jensen was having a problem remembering at the moment if there had actually been a time he had been in Jared's company without feeling some sort of sexual tension.

”It was smooth, maybe too smooth. When I turned it on it felt good. I was so hard that I was dripping and I hadn't even touched my cock once,” Jensen said, now more aware of his voice going lower and him feeling out of breath. He wanted to stop, but he couldn't as he saw how his words were having an affect on Jared too.

”And when I finally touched my cock,” Jensen continued. ”It was like... I can't even describe it. It was amazing.”

The air in the room felt thick and Jensen couldn't take his eyes off Jared. He could see the arousal in the other man's face as clear as he could feel it in his own body. Then the part of the story that he swore he was going to keep to himself, fell out of his mouth before he could stop it.

”I thought about you. The whole time. Wanted your fingers..., thought about what your cock would feel like stretching me wide,” Jensen almost panted, he felt so hot all over. God he hoped he was right to say it aloud.

Then he could see Jared's eyes narrow and in one smooth movement Jared pushed himself out of the chair and wrapped his huge hand behind Jensen's neck. He slid it up to the base of Jensen's skull before pulling him closer and kissing him roughly. Jensen tried to back out for a full three seconds, the panic finally setting in, before Jared bit slightly into his lower lip.

”Just let me,” Jared hissed and let go of Jensen's lip, pulling back just enough to let their eyes meet for just a split second before Jensen had to look away. Even with his face turned to the side he could still feel Jared watching him with his hazel eyes gone dark with want. Jared's breath felt burning hot against Jensen's cheek as he rasped: ”So fucking hot. Wanted you for so long... Been imagining this moment over and over for weeks.”

Jensen's head snapped back and he just barely caught Jared's eyes before Jared's warm mouth was back against his. Jared's fingers were rubbing his neck keeping him there and Jared's other hand was already tugging on Jensen's belt. He moaned against Jensen's mouth as he broke the kiss for just a second. Jensen felt dizzy and he tumbled out of his chair against Jared. His knees throbbed when they hit the hard floor but Jensen didn't really mind as Jared had slid down to the floor with him.

They knelt there pressed together, mouths still against one another. Jensen knew that if he wanted to freak about all this he should do it now before they had a chance to take it further. Despite the fear twisting his belly he know that stopping was the last thing he wanted to do. Jensen had to close his eyes as Jared's big hands tugged his pants open. He slid one huge hand inside Jensen’s dress pants and wrapped it around Jensen’s cock pulling at it. Jensen felt how his erection grew in Jared's hand and his heartbeat shot up.

Just when the first edge of the familiar panic began to grow in his gut, Jared was suddenly turning him around and biting into the back of his neck like he had known. Jared tugged Jensen's dress pants and boxers down his thighs and pushed him against one of the chairs. Jensen couldn't even think when Jared started to jerk him in the new angle. He could only feel the rough touch of Jared's jeans on his skin.

Jensen bit on his lip trying to be quiet as he suddenly remembered that Katie was right outside the door. He knew Jared locked it during the sessions, but he really didn't want Katie to hear anything.

”Don't worry,” Jared moaned against the back of Jensen's neck like he guessed why Jensen tensed up. ”She won't hear anything. The office is practically soundproof to prevent any waiting patients from hearing ongoing sessions.”

Jensen could feel Jared's other hand working his own zipper open and a moment later Jared's hard cock pressed right against his ass before slipping between his thighs. Jensen tensed at the touch closing his eyes but relaxed a bit when he heard Jared's voice again.

”Relax. I'm not going to fuck you,” Jared said huskily. ”Just want to feel your skin.”

His hand was still working steadily on Jensen's cock and his hips moved to that rhythm. Jensen could feel the wet slip and slide of Jared's cock lodged between his thighs and the warmth of Jared's thighs pressing against his. Jared's free hand stroked over the length of his back and he arched into the touch.

”Put your legs together,” Jared told him and Jensen tried to drag his knees closed.

He could hear Jared moaning softly as the pressure around his cock tightened. They moved together now, Jensen making jerky thrusts into Jared's tight fist and Jared rubbing his cock between Jensen's thighs.

It was over as soon it had begun. Jensen dropped against the chair as he came hard and Jared followed only seconds later, spilling between Jensen's thighs. They were a mess, but Jensen didn't really care. In his after-orgasm haze he realised that even if it wasn't anything other than Jared jerking him, he hadn't even come close to losing his erection in the middle.



Part 3

”Jensen!”

Mike's excited voice rang through the store and Jensen almost turned on his heels. He had been in the store a few times after the first visit and he still felt a bit awkward as Mike excitedly bounded to him.

”Man, it's good to see you here,” Mike told him dragging him to the back of the store by his sleeve. ”Come and meet my boy Tom.”

Jensen laughed nervously as he let himself be led over to Tom. In the back there was a tall – not as tall as Jared, Jensen's mind suplied – guy stacking shelves.

”Jenny, meet Tommy,” Mike told him.

The guy let out a sigh rolling his eyes at Mike before turning to Jensen. ”Tom,” the guy held his hand out for Jensen to shake,

”Jensen.”

Mike clapped his hands together. ”Good, now that we all know each other we have to have a serious talk about Saturday the 28Th.”

”We do?” Tom asked raising a perfect eyebrow. Jensen watched the motion wondering briefly if he got them waxed.

”The party? On 28Th? In three weeks? Rings any bells?” Mike queried and turned to speak to Jensen. ”We're going to have this party and I really think you should come.”

”I might have something else...” Jensen started.

He didn't remember if he really had anything, but he didn't know Mike that well, either. It wasn't like him to get to know people this easily.

”You'll have to cancel. You're going to be at my party since it's going to be awesome.”

Jensen looked at Tom who just shrugged. ”Don't look at me. He clearly wants to adopt you as part of the gang so you might actually want to just agree, otherwise he's likely to kidnap you and bring you to the party anyway. Or move the whole party at your house like he did to the last guy he decided was going to be one of his best friends.”

”Don't think JT has still fully forgiven that....,” Mike said in a thoughtful undertone. Then he grinned widely. ”But he loves us so it's all good.”

”I'm sure he does,” Tom said dryly.

”So are you coming?” Mike asked Jensen.

”Maybe I could,” Jensen didn't really know what to say. ”Are you sure it's okay?”

”Why wouldn't it be?” Mike looked honestly puzzled.

”Well,” Jensen tried to smile mischievously. ”You barely know me. I could be a serial killer.”

”Nah,” Mike shrugged. ”Even Misha isn't one and he's even weirder than you are.”

Tom laughed patting Jensen on the shoulder. His palm was almost as wide as Jared's. ”Mike's a really good judge of character even if he's nuts.”

”Oh yes. So Jenny, what do you want this time?” Mike turned to ask Jensen.

Jensen's cheeks failed to keep from going pink. ”The thing I got the first time... do you have anything similar but, um, bigger?”

”I knew you'd love it!” Mike exclaimed.

He all but ran to the shelf holding the type of toys he had sold Jensen the first time and reached high on the top shelf. ”I've got just what you want.” He pulled down a box giving it to Jensen. ”Here you go.”

Jensen peered at the package. ”How much this it?”

”It's yours. Just remember to tell all your friends where the most awesome toys are sold,” Mike told him.

Jensen's eyes widened at that. ”You really think I'm going to tell someone?”

Tom laughed at that. ”Mike just can't seem to grasp the idea that even if they told him at business school that happy customers can be the best advertisement it doesn't really apply when you own a sex shop.”



On the Thursday afternoon Jensen went to Jared's office even if he had no appointment. After thinking long and hard, he had finally decided that maybe he should stop going there and he wanted to say that to Jared in person. And, maybe he hoped that they could still see each other even if Jensen stopped being Jared's patient.

There was no one in the waiting room but Jared's door was ajar. Jensen knocked lightly on the door frame before going in. Jared was filling out some paperwork and looked up at the noise.

”Jensen,” he said smiling slightly and pushing his bangs off his eyes. ”Hi.”

”Hey,” Jensen said feeling suddenly a little selfconcious and really had to concentrate in order to say something sensible.

After a moment of them just watching each other quietly Jared pushed his papers aside and got up. ”I was wondering if I'd see you,” he said in a slight tone that didn't really give Jensen any hints on what Jared was thinking.

”I still have an appointment next week,” Jensen pointed out stupidly.

”But that didn't really guarantee that you'd have shown up,” Jared said hesitantly.

Jensen looked at the floor at that comment. He knew that this had probably been on Jared's mind, since they hadn't spoken after what happened between them during Jensen's last appointment. Only minutes after they both had finished, Jared's next appointment was waiting outside his office giving them just enough time to clean up and have a few awkward kisses before Jensen had to leave. Jensen had just assumed Jared would know that Jensen would want to see him again . He reminded himself that Jared knew almost everything about him and his insecurities so it wouldn't be hard for him to be a bit skeptical and wonder if he would ever see Jensen again.
”I might have not,” Jensen admitted and tried to grin at Jared. ”But maybe I wanted to.”

”I hoped you would,” Jared said and took a few steps around the table to push himself in Jensen's personal space.

The air at the room felt thick and Jensen had to fight against a shiver as he closed his eyes for a second when he could smell the scent of Jared's cologne. They stood there for a moment that felt too long, just close enough that Jensen could feel the heat of Jared's body even if they weren't actually touching.

”God Jen,” Jared finally said. ”I just... I haven't really done anything like this ever, but I just can't...” his voice broke off at the exact moment he grabbed Jensen's shirt into his fist and pulled him closer.

”Done what?” Jensen choked out against Jared's mouth that hovered over his. ”You mean with a guy?”

For some reason it made him weary to think that after all Jared could be the one freaking over the guy thing. After the last time he had several times thought it over and over and when he could finally admit to himself that yes, he actually wanted Jared who was unquestionably male, he didn't want to think that Jared would tell him they couldn't because he didn't want a guy. At that point Jensen had to remind himself that Jared had been the one to pull him close, so maybe it was something else.

When Jared kissed him, hard and demanding, Jensencouldn't do anything else except melt into his touch. But it was over too soon as Jared pulled away and closed his eyes briefly. ”With someone I should only have a professional relationship with...”

”Oh,” Jensen swallowed. Relief washed over his body. ”I think... I think I shouldn't see you anymore.”

Jared backed off in such a speed that he almost knocked them both over. Jensen looked up at him, his blown wide eyes and kiss red lips and shook his head.

”I don't mean that I don't want to see you at all. I just...” he stammered. ”I think I shouldn't be your patient anymore.”

Jared visibly relaxed, his shoulders dropping and his mouth turning into a careful smile. ”I don't think I could have been professional enough to treat you anymore. God, I haven't been in a while.Not since you walked through that door I haven't.”

Jensen took a step back. He didn't understand what Jared was saying. Up until his last therapy session did he think that Jared had done anything unprofessional.

”What do you mean?” Jensen asked.

Jared's cheeks went slightly pink and he brought up one hand to rub his neck. ”I think I might have mentioned it last time, but I've... God, I wanted you from the moment you walked in. You were just so – you were so fucking beautiful – so fucking broken, and I wanted to put you together so I could have you. I've always thought I'm professional enough not to ever think anything about my patients or overstep my boundaries, but with you.... I even did things I shouldn't.”

Jensen concentrated on shutting his mouth, which he hadn't even realised had dropped open when Jared had started talking. He could see the quiet desperation in Jared's eyes, but he just needed to know.

”What did you do?” he asked feeling his heart pounding rapidly.

Jared turned away and bit his lip looking at the ceiling. ”I... You know the zone mapping excersise?”

”The one with the numbers?” Jensen asked.

”Yeah,” Jared almost whispered. ”I never do that to anyone. I'll have couples do it to each other but I never touch anyone like that. And God, the things that ran through my head. I couldn't stop thinking how gorgeous you were, how vulnerable and I just had to touch you... please don't be mad at me.”

Jared's voice broke off again and Jensen reached out to touch his elbow. When Jared glanced at him, Jensen could see tears shimmering in his eyes. It felt so weird to see Jared like this. He had always seemed so strong to Jensen and now, he seemed like he was slowly breaking in pieces before Jensen's eyes. Jensen felt so torn. He wanted nothing more that just wrap Jared in his arms, but on the other hand, a slight voice inside his head was asking him to push Jared into telling it all.

”I've said too much already,” he said. ”I... I'm sorry. I should have told you I couldn't treat you and recommended you to someone else.”

Jensen's head felt like it was too full suddenly. He couldn't get his thoughts straight as the images of Jared over him, behind him and watching him – wanting him were swimming around in his head. He had trusted Jared and Jared hadn't been truthful to him even for a single minute. He didn't want to be mad but now he saw all the things they'd done, talked of, differently. He wondered if Jared too, had come with Jensen's name on his lips even before the time in the office.

”I...” Jared stammered.

”You took advantage of me?” Jensen blurted out and it felt as wrong coming out of his mouth as it had sounded inside his head. It wasn't like he had been some weak little girl or anything.

”No, I didn't! ” Jared was quick to try and defend himself. ”I kept all my thoughts to myself and so hard not to do anything inappropriate even if I may have overstepped my boundaries a bit. I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn't.”

”Why?

”Do you know how it feels to almost throw your beliefs out of the window for someone?” Jared asked, eyes slanted away from Jensen, voice trembling just a bit like Jared was trying not to let Jensen know how affected he was by all this. ”I've always thought of myself as a true professional. When I figured out that I didn't really want to be a marriage counselor or just a regular phychologist, people warned me that with this field it was going to be harder to keep my emotions out of it, but I never believed it. And then you had to walk in with all your dry answers and pretty fucking mouth and I found myself thinking all the things I never thought I would. And the things I wanted to ask..., things that I just could just barely stop myself from asking.”

”What things?” Jensen asked, even if he didn't really want to know.

”How you liked something,” Jared mumbled. ”how you'd want to be touched. I wondered if I could fix you just by doing the things I know would drive a guy crazy.”

The silence after that was kind of epic. They had somehow migrated to almost different sides of the room and the space between them felt much larger than just the seven or eight feet it actually was. Jensen finally took a deep breath and cleared his throat.

”I didn't exactly have pure thoughts about you either. But until the last time, I honestly thought that it was just because you're the first person in a long time that I have been honest with about my problems and you didn't care,” Jensen tried to explain. ”I don't know. I think I need time to prosess this all.”

He moved to the door, but Jared caught his arm.

”You'll call me when you're ready?” He asked.

Jensen nodded.

”Can I...” Jared began but was cut off by Jensen's sudden surge of boldness, cutting Jared off and kissing him instead.

”I'm just...” Jensen said when he pulled away. ”I have to go.”

At the door, Jensen chanced a glance back to see Jared standing right where Jensen had left him, looking miserable. As Jared saw him looking, he twisted his mouth into a pitiful attempt his usually bright smile and said: ”Just, please don't sue me...”

Jensen's heart dropped to his knees at the sadness in Jared's tone and he realised that maybe that was one of the reason's Jared hadn't said anything before now. Coming clean like that gave Jensen so much power over him. It would be too easy to ruin Jared and his whole life over this one mistake.

”I won't,” he whispered before closing the door behind him. He had been ready to talk Jared into....well he didn't know exactly what. Maybe try dating? But all he felt like doing now was running away. With Jared's confession, Jensen felt shaky. It could be because falling for Jared had felt so safe, and now he knew they were both on uneven ground and wasn't sure if they were going to be able to find balance together.



The next few days he felt like he was walking around in a haze. He made it to work without incident on Friday and didn't have time to think about Jared once there. And on Saturday he just refused to get out of his bed until Chris barged in and announced they were going out.

”Why did I give you the extra key anyway?” Jensen asked as he came out of the shower that Chris had told him was mandatory if Jensen wanted to actually leave the house. Which he didn't but Chris chose to ignore.

”Because otherwise you'd lay on your sorry ass all weekend and have a one-man-pity-party,” Chris told him.

”I wouldn't,” Jensen said defensively as he pulled a shirt on.

”You know,” Chris said as he leaned against the door-frame on Jensen's bedroom door. ”Danni called me.”

Jensen turned to Chris so fast he almost tripped over the jeans he was pulling on. Danneel and Chris had never gotten along. They had tolerated each other mostly for Jensen's sake, but rarely wanted anything to do with each other unless it was totally unavoidable.

”What did she want?” Jensen asked.

”She was just worried,” Chris shrugged. ”Told me to look after you.”

”And you told her to mind her own business, right?”

Chris looked sheepish. ”Could be.”

”What the fuck Chris!,” Jensen groaned. ”Don't tell me you're conspiring with my ex-wife now?.”

”Even if she's a total bitch, she seems to have a heart in there somewhere,” Chris said. ”You loved her man, and I get it. You need time to heal but I just can't let you to bury yourself in the house and never come out again.”

”I've gone out,” Jensen said.

”In last few months after she moved out?”

Jensen stopped. He hadn't even noticed that it had been that long. But this was actually good. Chris thought that his weird mood was about missing Danneel, so he'd get away with not telling him anything about Jared. Chris usually found out anyway, but this way he could buy himself some time. And this he needed to work out by himself first since he wasn't sure what he wanted.

”I know it's hard, and you need time for yourself,” Chris said. ”But I think it'd do you good to see other people every once in a while.”

”I don't want other people.”

”I didn't mean you need to start dating or anything,” Chris waved a dismissive hand. ”Just put yourself back in the field.”

”You mean casual sex?,” Jensen said in a tone of a sulking three-year-old.

”Would that be so bad?” Chris asked. ”You're single and all.”

Jensen sighed. Chris knew that his and Danneel's sex life had dried up a while ago but Jensen hadn't let him know why. He had implied that they were fighting too much and asked Chris to mind his own business when he brought the subject up once or twice. So it wasn't like Jensen could just tell him that he wouldn't be able to get hard with some stranger, or basically anyone that wasn't Jared these days.

”I don't think that's a good idea,” Jensen finally said. ”But a friend invited me to a party in few weeks so I'm not just sitting here alone.”

”Anyone I know?” Chris asked. ”Am I invited?”

”Just some guys I ran into,” Jensen was in no way going to tell him where he had met Mike and Tom and his common sense told him that maybe universe wouldn't be able to handle Mike and Chris meeting. ”I don't actually know if I can bring anyone.”



”Bills, bills,” Jensen mumbled as he got his mail.

He dropped most of the letters on the table and opened his credit card bill. Danneel canceled her joint credit card that she shared with Jensen which was a relief since he feared for a bit an epic shopping spree that she might go on just before disabling the card. He ripped the top open and pulled out the bill. Weird. The balance at the bottom of the bill seemed odd. His eyes scanned the payments listed and almost dropped the piece of paper. All of his payments to Jared's office had been returned. He saw at least seven payments that were credited back.

Jared.

Jensen had given Katie his credit card details when he had started going there and given them permission to charge his card. The payments were going through as scheduled, that is until now. Now every single dollar was back in his account.

Shit. Did Jared think he was some sort of a charity case? Or did Jared just feel bad for wanting to fuck Jensen?

Confusion turned into irrational anger and Jensen fought a sudden urge to rip the bill up. He didn't know what this meant, but why hadn't Jared told him first and asked if this was what he wanted.



Mike's house was big and packed with people.

”This is like a friggin college party,” Jensen yelled over the loud music at Tom who he'd run into right in the downstairs hall.

”That's Mike for you,” Tom shouted back. ”If you want a drink you can get one from there.” He pointed at the big table in the living room. ”And if you want to actually hear anything I suggest going out to the backyard.”

Jensen nodded and went to get himself a beer. As he found the door to the backyard he saw Mike coming in.

”Jensen!” Mike shouted. ”I was just telling my boys about you.”

Before he could answer Jensen found himself being dragged out to the yard to be introduced to a group of guys.

”This is Jensen, our somewhat porn store virgin!” Mike told everyone as they stopped.

Jensen turned to him, horrified, but apparently Mike's introductions usually included something embarrassing since no one seemed to bat an eye. And when Mike started to introduce his friends, Jensen learned that Misha was the one to go to if he wanted to learn to be flexible enough to suck his own cock. And if he ever wanted tips on scoring with barely legal girls and not get in to trouble, Chad was the one to go to.

”And here is JT, who's so lame he shows up last every single time,” Mike said as he spotted someone coming to them through all the people.

Jensen turned around, and fuck if it wasn't Jared making his way to greet Mike! Jensen looked away and swallowed as he felt his breath catch. He was avoiding calling Jared ever since he'd found out about the returned payments and now he felt foolish about it. He sneaked a glance at Jared who looked really good and Jensen couldn't deny the fact that the guy still could get a reaction out of him by just being there. He tried to act cool even if inside he felt like he was stuck in a hurricane.

”Mike!” Jared greeted and then turned to the rest of the guys just as Jensen was looking straight at him.

Their eyes met and the look on Jared's face when he recognized Jensen was brief but way more intense than Jensen had expected.

”Jared,” Mike said, totally oblivious. ”This is Jensen. My new favourite customer. And Jensen, this is Jared, who hates being called JT but I'll do it anyway.”

”Hey,” Jensen said quietly his breath catching in his throat.

Jared gave him a slightly forced smile and Jensen could feel an almost physical ache for the open happy one he used to get from Jared before. ”Didn't expect to see you here.”

Mike looked from Jared to Jensen and back.

”You guys know each other already?”

”Sort of....” ”Yes....” They said in unison.

”Okay,” Mike said and turned back to his friends picking up a thread of a discussion that was going on before, leaving Jared and Jensen standing awkwardly side by side.

After a moment in silence Jensen tried to collect himself. Maybe he should say something about meaning to call?

”I was...” he started. ”I'm gonna get another beer.”

He turned on his heels and walked to the house. It was crazy inside and after getting his beer he caught a glimpse of Tom just before he disappeared behind a group of people, just before Jensen had time to head his direction. He stopped to stand by the wall and almost jumped when someone laid a hand on his shoulder.

”Hey,” Jared leaned in to half-yell at him over all the noise as he stopped beside him. ”I just... Can we talk?”

”Here?” Jensen questioned.

”Come on,” Jared motioned up the stairs.

Jensen followed him through the people and they ended up in a empty bedroom at the end of the hall.

”Mike's” Jared said in explanation. ”He usually locks the door for parties but it opens when you jiggle the handle the right way.”

”Do I want to know how you know that?” Jensen asked, trying to fill the silence that fell after he pulled the door closed behind himself.

Jared laughed softly, a sound that Jensen had missed more than he could have ever imagined. He watched Jared sit on the edge of the bed and pondered if he should sit beside him. He opted against it and went for the arm chair by the window instead, leaving a good five feet between them.

”You wanted to talk,” Jensen said as he sat down and looked at Jared who seemed like he was suddenly very interested in his own feet.

”I thought you'd call,” Jared said quietly and even if it could have sounded accusing, it was more of a sad remark.

”I planned to,” Jensen said. ”Then I just... didn't.”

”Did you want to?” Jared asked in a slight tone that sounded way too much like the conversational tone he used in his sessions.

”Did you want me to?” Jensen countered feeling hot and irritated.

Jared raised his gaze and rubbed the back of his neck in a nervous gesture that was starting to feel familiar. His hair fell into his eyes as he looked back down and he looked so much younger than his years when he finally answered. ”I hoped you would.”

Jensen picked on his cuticles and wet his lips slowly with the tip of his tongue. He didn't really know where to start. Last time they had spoken Jared had basically bared his heart to Jensen but he hadn't given Jared much in return.

”I did think about you all through the therapy too,” he finally said. ”I thought it was because I felt comfortable with you, but I guess it wasn't just that. I haven't really ever found a guy that I wanted to do more with than exchange appreciative glances and it baffled me. I thought that maybe I wasn't really attracted to you and it was more of an infatuation. I've heard that happens in therapist/patient relationships sometimes. Like Stockholm syndrome.”

Jared chuckled. ”You're comparing this to kidnapping?”

”You know what I meant,” Jensen shrugged. ”When you told me you had been thinking about it too, I got mad. It felt like you had betrayed me somehow and I think it was mostly because my sort-of-a-crush towards you was something that felt safe, and when you returned it, it became apparent that it was way more serious which made it harder to deal with than just a one sided crush on someone who I didn't think was an option in the first place.”

”Because all of a sudden I was on the menu?” Jared raised an eyebrow in a more suggestive expression than he probably had intended, and Jensen had to turn away as he felt his cheeks heat up.

”Jerk,” he muttered. ”Because it was unexpected. And then I just wanted to have time to think it through and I was planning on calling you.”

”Why didn't you?”

”The returned payments. I'm sure it wasn't something you meant, but it made me mad. Made me feel like some charity case...”

”No! I only gave it back because I thought that was the right thing to do. I was unprofessional and I don't believe you should have to pay for that,” Jared said as he leaned forward.

Jensen laughed dryly. ”I get that now, but I think you should've told me you were going to do it. It just caught me by surprise and I wasn't thinking clearly.”

”So...” Jared moved nervously. ”Does that mean we're alright?”

”Define alright?” Jensen asked.

”That you're not mad at me, I'm not mad at you.”

”And we can admit that we both wanted what happened on the last appointment?” Jensen added.

”Yeah,” Jared nodded looking a bit more relaxed than he had been a minute ago.

”And what if I kinda still want to do it?” Jensen asked feeling selfconcious.

Jared's smile widened. ”Really?”

”Yeah,” Jensen admitted.

”Good,” Jared said and got up from the bed. ”Does that mean I can kiss you now?”

He held out his hand and pulled Jensen up as he took it. Jensen didn't really know if he had answered, but Jared kissed him anyway. His mouth was just as soft and warm as Jensen had remembered in his daydreams. Something that he would never admit to Jared having. Jared's big hand cupped his cheek while the other stroked down his back. He brought his own hands up to rest on Jared's biceps and smiled against Jared's lips as he felt the weird strain on his neck.

”What?” Jared asked, not really pulling back.

Jensen shook his head. ”Not really used to being the one who needs to look up.”

”Get used to it,” Jared told him. ”I'm hoping that won't change anytime soon.”

With that, Jared kissed him again and his other hand tugged Jensen's shirt up from the back just enough for him to be able to sneak his hand underneath. They broke the kiss only when Jared started kissing down his jaw and brought his hands in the front to unbutton Jensen's shirt. Jensen took the hem of Jared's shirt and tugged it over Jared's head urging him to stop kissing for a second so he could pull the shirt off. They fell on the bed in a messy pile of limbs as Jared was already opening Jensen's jeans.

”God you're hot,” Jared moaned against his skin as he tugged Jensen's jeans and boxers down enough to reveal his cock. ”Want to suck you so bad!”

Jensen swallowed thickly as he felt his mouth go dry. ”You... You don't have to.”

Jared hushed him with a kiss that had so much urgency in it that Jensen could only hang on for the ride.

”Want to,” Jared told him. ”Been all I've been thinking about.”

He manhandled Jensen so that Jensen had his back against the headboard in a half sitting position and soon after Jared started to crawl down his body leaving wet open mouthed kisses over his chest.

”Want you to watch me do it,” Jared told him as he wrapped a huge palm over Jensen's cock, stroking it in lazy, slow movements that made Jensen moan aloud.

Jensen bucked up against Jared's touch as Jared jerked his cock slowly before leaning down to lick the head. Jensen tried to bite his lower lip to keep all the embarrassing noises he was about to make inside. Jared's mouth was hot and wet when it closed around Jensen's cock and he couldn't help but grab onto Jared's shaggy hair.

”Fuck, Jensen moaned and closed his eyes.

He had to drop his head back as Jared took him even further in his mouth. It had been so long since he had had this and what he had done with Danneel didn't even compare. Jared was making pleasure noises that Jensen had never ever heard anyone make when giving a blow job.

”You like that? he had to ask through his gasps.

Jared let Jensen's cock slip out of his mouth and just blurted a husky "Fuck yeah” before going back to work. His hand's rested on Jensen's hips, but not really holding him down Jensen had noticed as he give in to the urge to fuck Jared's mouth. His hand's were still curled in Jared's hair and he let one go to touch Jared's cheek and trace a finger along Jared's lips that were stretched open over his cock.

He had to open his eyes and look down to see what he was feeling and then it was suddenly just too much. He bucked wildly up and Jared's hand tightened over his hipbone to steady him as he came into Jared's mouth fast and messy. Jared brought a hand to the base of his cock and stroked it slow through the aftershocks. Jensen shivered slightly as Jared's tongue flickered once more over the now sensitive head before he crawled back up Jensen to kiss him.

Jared's mouth was warm, his lips tasting salty and Jensen idly wondered if he had ever kissed anyone after they had given him a blow job. Maybe not, he decided. It wasn't bad and he threw himself into it, tasting himself on Jared's tongue and lapping eagerly at Jared's mouth. It wasn't until he felt the press of Jared's hard cock against his thigh that he pulled back.

”What about you?” he whispered. ”I could...”

Jared hushed him with a kiss.

”Would you want to go home with me?” Jared asked looking into Jensen's eyes when he broke the kiss.

Jensen licked his kiss swollen lips and smiled. ”I'd love to.”



Jensen thanked his lucky stars that he had taken a cab to Mike's and didn't have to worry about leaving his car behind as he climbed in Jared's SUV. He told Jensen that his place wasn't that far, but Jensen knew the trip over would feel like it took forever. His whole body hummed with something he didn't want to call excitement since that made him feel like a pre-teen on his first date.

Jared laid a hand over Jensen's knee as they got to the highway and Jensen centered his thoughts to that wide palm radiating heat through his pants.

”You know we don't actually have to do anything you're not comfortable with,” Jared said calmly as Jensen twitched under his touch.

Jensen bit his lip and turned to look out of his window. ”I know that.”

”Good.”

They drove another mile in silence that wasn't too comfortable, but it calmed Jensen's nerves a bit. At least until Jared turned to a smaller street, then to another and finally onto a driveway of a small house.

He got out of the car with Jensen following slowly behind, taking in the scene around him. He didn't know what he had expected, but this wasn't it. Maybe something more expensive and modern? Jensen shook the thought out of his head. This was a thousand times better. Jared's house was ordinary and looked like a home. There was a broken, no, chewed, tennis ball on the front lawn and another by the steps.

”You're not allergic to dogs are you?” Jared asked suddenly and Jensen turned to him.

”What?” Jensen asked his ears turning pink. ”Didn't hear you.”

”Are you okay with dogs? Not like allergic or afraid of them.”

”I'm cool,” Jensen heard himself saying, his voice ringing in his ears like it wasn't his own.

Inside they were greeted by two huge dogs and Jared scratched their ears before letting out into the backyard, leaving the door slightly ajar so the dogs can get in when they want.

”They won't run off?” Jensen asked.

”Nah,” Jared smiled. ”The fence is really high and they know I'll scoop food in their bowls in kitchen while they're out there.”

Jensen watched Jared from the kitchen doorway as he pulled out a huge bag of dog food, the muscles in his forearms flexing as he easily shifted the bag. He had somehow expected that they'd be all over each other when they got to Jared's place and watching Jared do chores, like there was no hurry, felt odd and disorienting.

”Do you want anything to drink?” Jared asked when he finished with the dog food.

”No thanks,” Jensen answered.

”You might want to move from the doorway, though,” Jared said.

”Why?”

Jensen got his answer as soon as he asked the question as the thunderous sound of eight paws hitting the floorboards in maddening speed got closer. The dogs rushed past him to their bowls like Jared had starved them for days.

”That.”

Jensen laughed nervously. ”Thanks for the warning.”

Jared washed his hand and walked to Jensen. ”So, what do you want to do?”

Jensen flushed pink. The dog incident had made him forget for a moment why they were at Jared's and now it came back to him in technicolor.

”I...” He tried to find words.

”We can just catch a movie or something if you want.”

”I thought...”

”This?” Jared rounded Jensen up against the closest wall and pressed close.

Jensen could feel Jared's half hard dick pressing on his hip and he closed his eyes. God, he wanted to, but he had no idea what to do. Jared leaned down and mouthed over Jensen's jaw to his neck and Jensen shivered under his touch.

”I won't do anything you don't want to.”

Jared's breath felt hot against his skin and Jensen bit his lip to keep a moan in as Jared tugged his shirt to expose a strip of skin where his neck met his shoulder and nipped on it with his teeth.

”I need you to ask,” Jared said and sucked on the skin his teeth touched just a moment ago.

”Ask?” Jensen's mind was already hazy. He didn't know how Jared had such an effect on him but it felt good.

”Ask for what you want,” Jared breathed into his skin.

Jared's hand was already under Jensen's shirt teasing a nipple and stroking on Jensen's skin. Jensen arched his back and opened his eyes. Jared's mouth left his neck and he straightened to look into Jensen's eyes before Jensen reached up and pulled Jared in for a kiss.

”Please.”

Jensen didn't want to sound so needy, but he couldn't find any other words at that moment to express what he wanted.

”You want this?” Jared asked.

”Yes.”

Jared pulled him away from the wall and to the bedroom closing the door behind them. Jensen's head spun as he fell backwards onto the bed as the backs of his knees hit the edge. He looked up at Jared standing over him and pulling a shirt over his head. Jensen's mouth watered. He hadn't seen Jared without a shirt before and was awed by all that tanned, smooth skin. Jared unbuckled his belt (delted) and let his jeans slip down his legs before kicking them away and crawling into bed with Jensen.

”Let me undress you,” he whispered and opened the buttons to Jensen's shirt. He pushed Jensen's shirt off his shoulders and then his undershirt went too, over his head. ”You look so fucking good.”

”I want you....,” Jensen whispered as Jared undid his pants for him.

”I know.” Jared's voice was husky as he pulled Jensen's boxers down with his pants. ”So fucking gorgeous.”

”You too,” Jensen said, with a lustful grin. His hands skimmed over the smooth expanse of Jared's chest. ”Have to steal your work out routine.”

Jared laughed and rolled them over on the bed. His clothed cock pressed against Jensen's ass as Jensen straddled him with the need to grind against it. He had imagined how it would feel since the day Jared came with his cock between Jensen's thighs and Jensen shivered at that thought. He had yet to see Jared fully naked but it felt like he wasn't going to be disappointed.

”What do you want?” Jared asked bucking his hips up a bit as Jensen reached back to try and tug Jared's boxers down.

”You,” Jensen bit his lip and pushed his ass against Jared's cock as it slipped free from Jared's boxers. ”Want to know how you feel inside me.”

”Oh God.....”

Jared watched him with an almost feverish look on his face. Jensen watched his muscles flex as he flipped them back over and finally got his boxers fully off. He swallowed thickly as he saw Jared reaching for his night table drawer and pulling out condoms and lube.

”Have you been playing with that toy of yours?” Jared asked as he coaxed Jensen's knees up and apart.

Jensen blushed from head to toe.

”What? Jared asked, stroking up and down Jensen's spread thighs.

Jensen turned his head to the side and tried to avoid Jared's gaze. "I might have gotten a second one,” he mumbled against the sheets.

”Really?” Jared asked, his tone teasing.

”Maybe"Jensen said.

"Is it different from the first one?”
"Bigger", Jensen said.

Jared smiled mischeviously at that confession all the while his fingers getting closer to Jensen's hole, circling it carefully, before pressing against the rim. He hadn't applied lube yet and wasn't even trying to get in but all the nerves in Jensen's body were on the verge of explosion.

”Fuck me Jay,” Jensen moaned. ”Show me how good it can be.”

”Yes....” Jared moaned.

Jared uncapped the lube and soon there was a slick finger pressing into Jensen. And God, Jared's hands were bigger than his own and he found the right spot so easily. It only took a few slick strokes before Jensen was shuddering under Jared's touch and spreading his legs wider to give Jared better access as he slid another finger alongside the first. Jensen closed his eyes and leaned against the pillows. He felt Jared shift on the bed and then he felt the now familiar heat around his cock.

”Jared. You don't...”

”Want to...,” Jared said letting Jensen's cock slip out of his mouth. ”Not going to finish this time, though.”

He licked around the swollen head and pressed his fingers against Jensen's prostate. Jensen wondered if he had already slipped a third finger inside, since it felt like he was spread wider than before. All too soon he felt Jared withdrawing his fingers, leaving Jensen open and empty while he ripped open a condom packet. Jensen watched how Jared's palm slid over his dark flushed erection as he rolled the condom on.

”This could be easier with you on your belly,” Jared spoke as he settled between Jensen's knees. ”But you look so fucking amazing that I don't really want to make you move.”

”Then don't,” Jensen said and tried to bring his legs together behind Jared's thighs to bring him closer. ”In me.”

Jared leaned down to bite on Jensen's shoulder as he guided himself inside. Jensen leaned back and could only focus on the burn and stretch of being penetrated. It felt so good to be filled this way and he breathed slowly in and out as he tried to memorize every single movement Jared made. It was like at this very moment his whole world had narrowed down to the point where they were joined. Jared slid a hand under Jensen's hip and held him steady as he finally bottomed out.

”Breathe,” Jared's voice was husky and it took a moment for Jensen to realize he had been holding his breath.

”Good?” Jared breathed against Jensen's skin and Jensen could only give him an incoherent whimper for an answer as Jared rocked his hips and slowly found a steady rhythm that forced more of those embarrassing noises out of Jensen.

Jared coaxed one of Jensen's legs up higher to his waist and Jensen's whole body practically vibrated with pleasure when Jared could now get even deeper inside him. He quickly figured out that with just a little tilt of his hips Jared was hitting the good spot every single time. His own hard cock rubbed wetly against Jared's abdomen and even that small friction felt so good. A foggy thought of maybe being able to come just like this went through his head, but was lost when Jared snaked one hand between them and stroked on Jensen's cock.

”Gonna come for me?” Jared asked, low and hot against Jensen's shoulder.

Jensen shivered even if he was hot all over and felt his orgasm weaving over him as Jared scraped his teeth over his shoulder and tightened his hand around Jensen's cock. Jensen couldn't help but moan aloud as he came all over Jared's chest.

”So fucking hot,” Jared said grabbing on Jensen's thighs as he drove in just a few more powerfull thrusts before coming too and collapsing over Jensen.

They rolled over to their sides as Jared slipped out and Jensen grimaced at the stickiness.

”Messy, huh?” Jared laughed. ”Here.”

He grabbed a hand towel that he had put on the nightstand and cleaned them both off before disappearing into the bathroom. Jensen watched him go and got up to sit on the side of the bed trying to find his clothes which were all over the floor with Jared's. He was just reaching for his shirt when Jared came out of the bathroom.

”Are you leaving?” Jared asked looking puzzled and Jensen didn't want to let himself notice how good it made him feel that Jared seemed to care if he left.

”I was...” Jensen stumbled with his words. He hadn't done anything like this in years and didn't really know if he should. ”I don't have to,” he finally offered.

”Don't go,” Jared said coming back to the bed.

He pushed Jensen back down and kissed him slowly before settling down beside Jensen. His large form was a bit foreign against Jensen, but he was warm and tired and sleep came soon.

In the morning Jensen woke up as Jared moved closer behind him.

”You don't mind being the little spoon, do you?” Jared asked in a light tone that clearly meant he was smiling behing Jensen's neck.

”Dumbass,” Jensen muttered, but pressed himself tighter against Jared.
Despite being the little spoon, he thought he could get used to waking up like this, as Jared pressed a light kiss on the back of his neck.